Breathe and Go

Blown Fuse

2010-11-03T00:44:00.000-07:00

This past month has not been easy, nor has it been terribly difficult either. I guess there's just something that's weaker within me now, a creeping feeling of termination, of inevitability, of sinking under the weight of everything around me. Surely there is a brighter future up ahead, but it's only when you go through that dark tunnel first that you'd know the difference, and I guess this stage is something I just have to get through. I know that every little effort I'm putting in now will in someway come back, but the slothful side of me just hasn't gotten the message to stop worrying and start doing. Sigh, maybe I will end up at home, rotting away. Shudder. That would be the ultimate surrender in my mind though, and that keeps me fighting.

Even though it's been more than a month now, I'm still a bit obsessed with Muse. Especially their darker stuff I think is really interesting and digging up the older albums and giving them a listen has truly changed my opinion of what the band means to represent. I think they rather fit well with the saying "musing" about something, because their older songs can really be little monologues for listening to, and sometimes the darker the song, the closer they come to my own thoughts. Although Resistance is more of a politically charged album, Muse really still resonates with my mind and it's just awesome to listen to them on the bus going to lab.

How do you know when you love something? Can there be a bit of obsession and a bit of hatred involved? Is it possessive? Can you hope for a better condition?

I need some good sleep....damn mattress.

The Fleeting Glimpse of Mortality

2010-10-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe that the last time I was here was nearly 2 months ago. How much has happened in that time is really quite amazing even to me now. In retrospect, I've pushed myself the hardest since I've entered college ,propelled forward with a new momentum. I guess I should give credit where credit is due, but that will be for another time ;D

If I could recount the major changes that have occurred so far, I have to start with my the results of my MCAT, which I have to say honestly has caused me the most pain and fear so far. No longer was the future as bright as I had thought naively as a freshman, but rather a sobering glimmer that reminded me where I was, still in the hellhole called college. Uneducated optimism along with lots of unnecessary hand wringing really did not work out and I think the costs incurred on my part has really taught me the value of action, in whatever direction possible. I think I'm still in that phase where I really need to do more than what I'm already doing, push harder on this phlegmatic attitude of mine to greater illustriousness. It's been the story of my college career, but this is the time I need to step up, and at least I feel like I'm meeting the challenge on my own terms. I just hope it's fast enough to catch up to those deadlines.

The other major issue that brought me home over the past weekend and given me so many tears of grief and worry has been my mom's condition. Since the beginning of the year, she's been having some serious health problems, ones that started out as nuisances to debilitating disease. There wasn't much I could do once things got so serious, and during the weekend ordeal, I kept thinking of all the things I could have done to prevent this, all the words I could have said. But in some ways and as some of my closest people have told me, some things are by fate, and everyone has a part in the process, all guilty as charged. But, doing all the thinking only leads to so much more pain and suffering and really is not necessary in facing adversity. I think in all of this, I did find a sense of courage from the inside, a feeling I could hang on to when confronted with so many uncertain prospects. And now, I find myself facing the different uncertainties of a different context, but yet, I feel refreshed and redoubtable. This is what I needed to learn all along, confidence paired with wizened optimism, a truer sense of maturity. I could face the unimaginable prospects of losing someone close to me, and all that emotional turmoil goaded me to appreciate everything that I have now, the people and places I've been, those that I hold close, the dreams I had before. I just don't know how deep of a lesson this will be when all is done and over, but fortunately, that won't be for a while, at least not while my mom recovers her path back to normal life.

Too often, I find myself lost in the meaninglessness of routine. I find it has really killed my spirit, dulled my senses, and robbed me of the vitality I need to continue onwards towards a higher goal. But now, at least I am conscious again of this fact and can at least find ways again to combat it. So many strategies are at my disposal to employ: executing meaningful action for progress, testing unconventional methods for doing tasks, rediscovering strengths I once had, taking control of my habits and body, pruning the extraneous things in life...the list goes on. But the one thing I think will help me from now on is to remind myself of the fragility of life itself, the inconstancy all around me, the unexpected strands of fate, and the necessity for me to cultivate my courage and confidence in facing all of these hazards. Things really aren't as bad as they seem.

Myopic Visions

2010-08-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

I figure my writing this post now is not the best of ideas, but some pressing thoughts had to intrude on my consciousness last night and caused me much distress and sleeplessness. Some were pretty trivial, like how my brother was going to stay with me in my room when he comes up in two weeks (my "livingroom" is large enough just for one, but two is really pushing it). Other things like if when I should start drinking the two quart container of soy milk so that my roommate and I don't waste most of it - like last time...(the soy milk only lasts a week or so). But what also kept me awake and restless were some larger things, like the prospect of taking the MCAT which could determine what I do in the next year and even further down the line. Also, I'm going to start doing an independent research project with with lab mentor this coming semester that will probably take many hours and effort. It's a bit overwhelming to think of everything at this point, but in that mixture of thoughts and fears, it just reminds me of how trivial certain things are in life that we take so seriously and others that do matter so much more are just taken for granted. It's a fault of this age and the way we think about our priorities I believe. All too often, we're told, either unconsciously or consciously, what to believe and what to care about that we lose sight of what we really need to care about. I feel like such a terrible, unfilial son knowing that my mom is really sick right now and probably alone at home, but the thought of just giving her a call sometimes just passes me by. My grades from summer just came out last week and I know I didn't do as great as I hoped despite my best efforts to keep everything together (including medcat prep that is also been far more agonizing than what I had expected). Maybe they won't matter as much in the long run, but I can't always make excuses for myself. I need to find that motivation now, that call to action that I believe has been missing for most of my life so far. Because as I've seen over and over again in almost all aspects of life, what matters is what you do, not what you think in your head.

Recurring Nightmare

2010-08-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like as if I've popped into the last scene of Waiting for Godot...the part where the nonsensical world has closed in and the ropes are being hung up along the branches. I think I've always interpreted this part as just the terrible ending to a terrible play, but thinking back now, it's just like how anyone would imagine the end of an intermittent queue. Suddenly, all the time spent in line just disappears from memory, a press of the delete-all button on a camera. That seems to be the natural way of things, but is it wrong to hold on to the past?

Maybe that's why history has such a draw for me. I can linger and pass my time thinking about what has been, and even speculate on what could have been. All in the guise of scholarliness.

Okay, back to work. Med Cat studying continues...

Leftover Time

2010-08-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

Doubt is a powerful emotion. It can be universally seen in all histories of the world, capable of bringing down the greatest of men and empires, I'd say it's the greatest destructive tool in the human arsenal. And yet, it is so personal at the same time. Maybe the biggest difference between those that stand in the gaps of history and those that stand out is the fact that those that fell for doubt in their abilities and ideals remained locked in their fate for being nobodies. Conviction, vigor, faith; perhaps some of the strongest forces on human thought, push people forward in their paths of life towards something bigger and greater. These days, I find those things lacking, and I find myself with the creeping thought of doubt hanging over me like the black cloud it is. Neither the balm of sleep nor the distraction of work has taken my mind off this...and it feels like such a burden that I can't manage to shake myself awake.

My only refuge has been my music. The oh-so-familiar melodies remind me of a careless past untainted with the understandings of the complicated present, of different pressures demanding attention and energy. It's so tiring sometimes to care, but as I've found out, the more you care about life, the more you get out of it. That I have found to be so true for anything I've encountered.

The countdown continues...10 days to doomsday.

Summer Tribulations

2010-06-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

Time for a blog revival...or rather according to Kaplan, the more random writings one does, the more improvement one can see on their writing portion of the MCAT. Seriously, this is how contained my life is at this point; slaving yet procrastinating, totally liberated from school (for now) yet tied down to so much, at peace with myself yet internally warring with two separate natures. Perhaps this is the meaning of existence - a constant battling between the extremes and all one needs to do is navigate that minefield of mistakes about to happen. Maybe all at once, something will blow up in your face and all you can do is drag yourself along, or maybe you're lucky and someone comes along to do the dragging, but nevertheless, one is required to be cautious at all times as any one action may lead to a series of consequences now unforeseen.

So, at once, I find myself in a bind with myself; struggling with the pressures of preparing and prepping myself for that test of a lifetime, and at the same time, doubting the extent of my potential and options available. So much is at stake, yet there's so little for me to look forward on that it kind of worries me. What exactly are my goals and what motivates me to achieve them? I think a good reevaluation is in line this summer in the little time that I do have. I think I do have most of my thoughts organized and the reasons laid out, but now the judgment is in other people's hands, and that's always more mind wrecking than when I do it.

I'm not going to pretend that I understand everything, and there's a lot of things I have yet to think through, but even when the sky gets cloudy, you always know there's a sun behind it all.

Shedding a Layer

2010-04-25T00:18:00.001-07:00

I feel both unabashedly indignant and depressingly resigned when I see this blog for several reasons. First, because this holds a piece of me from the past year or so of my life, a life that was full of doubts, unfettered joy, and melancholic meditations. So much of it reminds me of how far I've come, but also how short I've fallen in expecting from myself. In the short 2 months that I haven't posted, so much has happened and my whole orientation has been changed for the future. I don't know what has propelled me so far in this direction that I worry incessantly, but it's too late to regret where I've been. Certain things have happened that have happened and thus, I need to accept the consequences.

Haha, it seems like so much in my life makes no sense at all, but yet, I feel like I'm finally moving forward. Approaching the threshold for making summer plans has been easier to tackle than I thought, and I feel more and more future looking. Something has changed intrinsically. I like to say I'm still a kid, but slowly, layer by layer, my shell has been cracking and my kid self has finally begun peeling off. It's about time I truly grow up and take up the reins of the my life.

I realize that much of things I've done in the past have been distractions, meaningless in most cases, but some significant in telling where my mind's wandering. In the case with random facts, I feel like it's just an ornament that I can shed from my postings. So as a tribute: Last Random fact of the day: the average person has over 1,460 dreams a year. May they be good ones.

Moto Choices

2010-03-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

So I finally have my inspiration to post again, and this time, I'll try to diversity myself. Seriously, talking just about myself all the time is a bit boring...even for me.

So much has happened in the past month plus that I don't even know where to start. The fact that so much of the future has elbow fisted it's way into my mind and the hopeless urgency of finding out what I really want to do and where I'm headed has flooded my consciousness and transformed into a system wide panic. But I guess I should have seen this coming. Having been in Berkeley for 3 years now, it's almost an expectation that one would know what to do in the future...especially since I am at Cal, but I think most of this is a facade, a social pressure trying to mold individuals into a factory-made copy of the ideal workforce drone. But I think before I can relegate myself to the pre-determined trajectory of the formal career path and further schooling, I think there's still a wide open field of options for me to explore. How can I, a third year, still say this? I think it all comes down to the mental attitude one takes...and I think I've settled on this conclusion ever since my first year. Fatigue and weariness are only available if one allows the possibility of being in that state. Okay, enough philosophical waxing...but I'll write more later...

Oh, and now being 21, I guess I am officially old. Sigh...

Still Alive

2010-01-27T22:40:00.000-08:00

I've been getting lax about updating...and it's entirely my fault. The thing is, I'm trying out a lot of new ways of thinking and so far, things have worked. Like what I've been saying to people, within the madness called Berkeley, you have to find that balance and zen to go on. The new outlet I've found to release my stress has been more than enough to get me to see things differently.

Maybe I'll share some insights later...gotta get sleep.

Two Oh One Oh

2010-01-01T00:37:00.001-08:00

So in the first few minutes of the new decade of the millennium, I just want to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR and BEST WISHES for the coming times. Don't want to cliche the start of a new age with tired words, so I guess I'll be the first to say, I will not be making any resolutions this year, especially since there seems to be endless possibilities out there to fulfill and framing things already in tight borders won't help my already chaotic life.

I wish I did this earlier, but I think I should have done a reflective entry on 2009. It was quite a year with so many changes and beginnings and growth. I'm expecting more from this coming year, not just with school, but life in general, because that's why we get old, right? To expect greater things to come.

Gotta wake up early for the Rose Parade tomorrow morning!

HAPPY 2010!!!

Random Fact of the Year: 2010 WILL BE AWESOME

At the Control Panel

2009-12-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote part of this post a while back before my craziness started...but now that it's over, it's like a refreshing look at the recent past. It gives one much food for thought.

Sometimes I wonder if there's like a secret button that you unknowingly push that suddenly makes life interesting. The effect isn't even a conscious, self induced drama making...more like a sudden increase of chaos in the already damned melodrama of our lives. Gosh, I want to say so much, but it's like that bottleneck effect in bio where those organisms that encounter such a squeeze either squeege through or die. It's funny how many times in the past days I've said out loud, "Gosh, my brain wants to explode right now" and felt a rush of serotonin. Maybe I've pushed my pause button too many times in the semester and now everything's on fast forward mode: lemme see how many things I can list off the top of my head

APO Pledge Test + Activation + Banquet + Work shifts + Gifts + Funpack + Fam Ad + Not Sleeping + 10 ppl in one car + Nextcomm Lunch + Planning for next semester...etc.

Finals for BOTH labs and more to come...and aftermath = fails?

Tooth Pain...and lack of it after

UC App Essays with Charlene over Thanksgiving

CCM Winter Concert + Caroling? + position

Research labbing...

Catching up on webcasts...still to do

Secret Santa-ing

Lin's Bday + Karaoke....having too much fun?

Lack of sleep...as always

Interesting Quote of the Day: I no longer worry about being a brilliant conversationalist. I simply try to be a good listener. I notice that people who do that are usually welcome wherever they go. -Frank Bettger

Turning Over a New Leaf

2009-11-20T01:16:00.001-08:00

Not only has the weather changed, but I do feel a new streak of energy. And fortunately, I haven't gone insane yet with the stuff I've taken up. Gosh, isn't life good? But I do see that the feeling that this is just one of those highs...there is a low coming soon, and I see it so clearly now. Returning to my Zen mode seems to be the best solution to this dilemma. Ah, how easy spewing words is.

But as leaves fall and go away to make good dirt for new plants, such are the feelings of living fleeting and tenuous. I've definitely went through a roller coaster the past couple weeks and at least the rest stop is coming up soon. I want to find a way to pull through, focus on the new and old responsibilities of this semester and the next, and discover what it is that I really want.

I really want to say, best of luck to life.

Random Fact of the Day: 25% of the body's bones are located in the feet.

I Need a Breather

2009-11-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

This is probably a very selfish entry to write out, but in terms of importance at this point, this is probably the most pressing thing I need. Seriously, Berkeley does have a conspiracy against me this semester by unapologetically planning a midterm a week for me to enjoy. What better way to torment someone unknowingly than to gradually increase the stress load little by little in a prolong affair until the victim suddenly finds himself/herself in a vise? It's just insidious, but that probably is the nature of the beast called a career. And really, this is just the preparation for it.

I think I've gone over this many times before in my head, but I really love and really hate Berkeley for what it is. I love the people, the city, the many perks that exist here, but I really hate how it's so cutthroat, it's lack of empathy, it's arrogance. But I think about why I chose to come here and the motivation I had from before college and I realize that this was probably the best choice I've made in my life so far. I thrive on this kind of stress because it drives me to get to the top and everyone else here is in that same mindset. Why not wreck my youth for a lifetime of rewards? Why not go through some torture to gain something priceless? Though intangible the results, I definitely can see where I have grown up a bit more and where I have stubbornly clung to from adolescence. It's now just the challenge of breaking those bad habits. Ah, I guess it's still good to be optimistic.

I just need more sleep. And probably more time with people. I find myself thriving on that more and more. Now, to relearn how to concentrate and be studious...that's a challenge onto itself.

Random Fact of the Day: Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Pockets Full of Nothing

2009-11-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

I didn't mean for the title to make any sense, so I'm going to continue typing.

It's been another long spell of busyness for yours truly and the expected burnout has occurred, yet I am still living and breathing on that day to day basis. How much resilience I will still have after I'm done with the semester will remain a mystery to me, and yes, that is a risk to be taken. Maybe I'll crash hard next week, or the week after that, only my legs can tell how much further I can go and they haven't been too reliable lately. I digress in my enigmatics and nonsensical symbolisms, but so much of it can be dissected and analyzed by a good psychologist. Maybe they'll be able to diagnose that subdural ishemia better than I can.

Interestingly enough, I've come to see myself depending more and more on the contact with others, which has truly surprised me. After locking my egotism in the cupboard for so long, there is still life in me to reach out, and maybe that's what I need to be trying to free. It's been missing all along, quietly revealing itself in stressful fits of sleep and rambling thoughts that absorb my attention of hours. I guess I'm talking about an internal drive, a need for humanization of some sort, or being able to make errors and mistakes in front of others, to express myself without doing calculations in my head, to give logic a rest here and there. I need to get more opinionated.

And so, the answer should be no, you cannot rationalize a perceived evil into goodness, no matter the manipulation of language you use.

And I think it's really stupid when people talk about TV shows.

And GOPers really need to shut the hell up about politics, because they're obviously not talking about politics.

And there needs to be more vacation time during the semester. How do people with real jobs do it without vacations?

Interesting Quote of the Day: The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other. -Ashleigh Brilliant

The Therapist is In

2009-10-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I do resent the fact that I've been framed as the "therapist". I don't intend to go about philophizing about random things and making circular points on faux points. Sigh, it's just that there's so much to talk about and so many feelings out there that relying on ole' trusty logic is so much more comforting. But, as I have noticed in my career called life, there are times that logic breaks down and you just have to accept what comes at you, whether that be inexorable happiness or deplorable sadness.

The other lesson I've been reminded of late has been another ole' saying: Carpe Diem my friends, for the early worm gets the bird. Something around those lines, I think it's my turn to take back control of my own destiny, and definitely with a picture of a future growing clearer by the days, I want to be able to use that confidence generated for continuing my trajectory forward. Because seriously, there is no where else but up from now on.

Happiness comes to those who seek it. And I came up with that with no philosphizing at all.

Interesting Quote of the Day: People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because you're not on their road doesn't mean you've gotten lost ~ H. Jackson Browne

Life Goes On

2009-10-13T22:44:00.000-07:00

With much improved sleep nowadays, I definitely feel much more clear headed and back on track. But it also feels like those couple days have severely delayed me from my studies and other matters.

Perhaps it's like the smell of a yummy curry...the aroma lingers around for days, demanding your attention with it's dominating presence, but once you finish consuming it, the smell begins to fade imperceptibly, and your senses know that something has changed. And that old adage is true, good things aren't meant to last. Change is inevitable, heck, life is about changes and adapting to them. That's why it's so hard...and in a way, that's why I feel like we're all allowed to complain about it. But once the ranting stops and we're forced to continue onwards, we all have a better grasp of the dynamics of change, and we can respond better the next time history repeats itself. Let's move on.

Just another moment of inspiration for me today. Being outside battered by the wind and rain, a single thought surfaced in all of my thinking: it's okay to be unhappy. Too dull witted have I been in trying to pacify my own ups and downs that in a sense, I've lost a bit of that skill to adapt. It's probably the same reason why my umbrella broke: resisting too much often breaks you. "Be like water" say Bruce Lee...a little something that has slowly soaked into my being throughout the course of the day.

Random Fact of the Day: There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

Two Pronged Attack

2009-10-11T15:15:00.001-07:00

It was only last night that someone said to me that I like to "lie to myself" when I meet certain people and situations. Maybe it's my own naivete in believing so strongly the integrity of each person to do what's objectively best for themselves, and that would include behaving nicely towards other people. Perhaps I've read things too superficially, that there are certain unstated tensions between people that I've obtusely ignored. Maybe that the reason why that statement has been so shocking. But how can I deal with this blind spot?

Maybe it's not even a blind spot, but rather a state of mind I've locked myself into, one that is perhaps too optimistic, imbecilic to be more honest. I feel like I'm floating in a sea of idealisms, interspersed with random strains of moralisms and cliched aphorisms vying for my attention, each just waiting for a sign of weakness on my part to drill itself into my head as a "lesson learned". To be blunt, it is a kind of cowardice where one can't find the courage to face the truth of reality. And the worst part is that it hurts. Deep down, it pains me how feeble my faculties are to have overlooked the obvious.

It is about time I take a new turn, but like everyone else, how can you jump off the train when you have so much inertia from before?

I need to go exercise sometime.

Interesting Quote of the Day: Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back.

Plodding Along

2009-10-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

The more thinking I do these days, the more feeble I feel in my classes and in dealing with stuff. At the same time, the more drive that I manifest in my work, the more fatigue I feel. I can feel the energy slipping away, diffusing into the universe, alone in its wake. Gosh, is this really the beginning of my frazzling? Or maybe I need to follow my own advice and take a breather.

Sigh, I wish I could have perfectly timed days of nothingness, where I don't have to deal with all the riffraff of college, organizations, food, or planning. The one thing I've found to be the source of most of my angst against the world is sleep: I absolutely cannot function well without a good 7+ hours. I don't care for people who say sleep is useless, because I refuse to believe a word of anyone who are sleep deprived and can't even coherently form their thoughts. This is perhaps why doctors get so many malpractice lawsuits because they can't even think straight half the time with their busy schedules.

Sigh, it's also been a testing time for me (besides the midterms and upcoming ones), testing my resolve to continue on the premedical path I've chosen. Talking to Gloria lately, she's definitely given premed second thoughts, and the criticisms she's given me has given new perspective on other potential paths. The recent graduate school fair has also spurred me to reconsider on my planning. The paralysis of having too many options is truly debilitating, but at the same time, it is not knowing myself well enough that has caught up to me. It is that insecurity of the future and exhaustion of regular college life that has really brought me down a notch. Maybe I need to borrow some energy from a certain person.

Maybe I need some new inspiration. And just to go along with the recent trend of doing poetry...

Cold, chilly weather
Silence in the cloudy night
Youtube is awesome

Instead of a fact, this is Today's Interesting Quote: To become a spectator of one's own life is to escape the suffering of life. ~Oscar Wilde

When the Moon is Full

2009-10-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

No matter the generation or times, traditions have been passed down from our ancestors to remind us the importance of our basic humanity. Family and friends, perhaps considered the most basic building blocks of society, get a chance to reunite and celebrate those bonds.

I find myself often locking my own perspective in a narrow point of view, whether it is judging myself for my failures or interacting with other people. And it's so easy to point out the flaws of other people, but I think it really is so much better to be open to possibilities and leave our assumptions to the side. Then things get more interesting then.

It's hard to live life the way you want, but finding the way to achieve it especially when we're in the position to actually reach it is actually the harder part. Motivation doesn't come to those who don't try to find it.

Random Fact of the Day: Happy Lunar Festival! 中秋節快樂!

Slap Yourself Before You Slap a Friend

2009-10-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

All too often, the world catches up on us and suddenly, we find ourselves vulnerable. And it's scary how naked we are, the raw humanity pulling us down from our idealized selves and bashing those things we cherish and pride in ourselves. The self needs to be challenged in this way though in order to move forward and grow.

We're all in this growing process together aren't we? So why should we be afraid to reach out? We can all start on the same common ground and recognize the ugly yet beautiful humanity inside us all. Then, rationalize it, as rational thinking is by far the easiest and most believable tactic against our mind.

And yes, Mao was right: Ideology (or propaganda) is the best weapon in the world.

Random Fact of the Day: Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor, it has a 30% less chance of surviving than a can that falls off the 20th floor. Supposedly it take 8 stories before a cat realizes what has happened, relaxes, and corrects itself.

Same Thing as Before...but Just More Shameless

2009-09-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

Is that what happens in life: we encounter an issue/problem/dilemma and we go about dealing with it initially with no direction, but once we've gone through it and the same/similar issue comes up again, we just go about the same habits as before but with less self conscious thinking behind it? The thing is, I don't feel any wiser than before, but just less self conscious about things, which isn't necessarily advantageous in any way. What are the limits to stretching oneself before the essence of a person begins to fade and take on a more demured hue? On that continuum of sociability, we flail around to hold on to an illusion of someone we wish to be, but how do we know what the truth is? I guess we come to terms with ourselves by pushing our zones of comfort to the extremes, because that is where a true self emerges. I see this applying to more and more places in life, not just in the social aspect, but even in academics, where repetition and practice define how high one is able to achieve. I think this is a good time to start looking for that inspiration to push forward even more, because I probably won't have another chance at stretching even further later.

It is so much easier to be cynical about everything, but something just doesn't seem right about that...I mean, the world would have already ended if we all were cynical.

Random Fact of the Day: On average, men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better than men.

Countdown to Insanity

2009-09-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

Maybe that title is a bit too dramatic, but I count each minute of each now until next week's massive tumult of exams. It is another marker in the semester, the first wave of midterms and projects due, and this will come on and off for the rest of the year. Gosh, I am quite torn about my own evaluation about myself because it does feel like I'm taking too heavy of a load of classes, but there really aren't that many in my schedule this semester. Perhaps it's time to drop a few more things, besides those that I've already dropped...and I do miss from time to time. My schedule at this point is really still all a mess.

There are only so many times I can bend over backwards for other people...

Breathe in, breath out, focus.

Random Fact of the Day: Scientific research has been found to be a leading cause of cancer in rats!

Unraveling

2009-09-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation during lunch today, one that brought up my own thoughts of insecurity and fears. In a way, it was a relief to talk with someone that I felt comfortable with and I could put some trust in, because those demons I spoke of had terrorized ever since elementary school. I don't think I have the courage to name them yet, but I do believe that slowly, certain bits and pieces will start revealing themselves in surprising ways. Maybe it's a way for me to clean house because to continue carrying the same burdens for so long is so very tiring. Ironically, a certain arrogance that I nurtured growing up has protected me from facing these painful facts until now, but this is the time in my life that I deal with my childhood. I have the ability to rationalize how I came to be who I am, and I should use it.

I feel so old right now...where did this come from?

Random Fact of the Day: Process is a projection of bone.

Musing

2009-09-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

The awesomeness arrived today and I've been looping the album the entire day. It was great, since I was home for almost the entire day, drolling over homework and attempts at studying. It really is ineffective at this point to try and get motivated while you sit in a rut, but I pulled through somewhat. Gosh, laziness knows no bounds.

It's interesting how sometimes the past comes back to hit you in the face. I don't want to get into details, but what struck me was the ferocity of emotions that crept back. I don't blame anything else for it but myself, but thinking cool-headedly now, it was pretty stupid of me to fall into the same trap as before. It's about time to just let go, all the way, no bars attached.

Anatomy is hard. There is no question about that. I wonder how physiology will turn out.

I need to start practicing for Thursday's concert. If people want to come, they're welcome to come hear!

Random Fact of the Day: Sophists are those who reason out truths of reality through pure logic. Deipnosophists are those who like to converse about great truths of reality.

Spotty with a Chance of Shine

2009-09-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

So while I cringe at the vast amount of terms I need to know for anatomy lab tomorrow (and wondering how much space is left in my brain), I try to take a break from studying with some spotty internet at my place right now. I think it's a crime in this day and age to not have internet. And seriously considering life without internet at this point is close to impossible (excluding those strange, anachronistic ppl who have survived thus far). So, I commemorate this day, 9/9/09 to the internet, the most hated, most loved, most necessary, most unnecessary, most trivial, most important, most innovative, most jaded thing in the world.

Oh, today I had a "auntie" from Taiwan visit. She is someone of great importance to me and my parents as a lifelong family friend, and as the first time in Berkeley, I obviously had to show her the best that Berkeley had to offer...dirty street hobos, abandoned flyers on Sproul, careless jaywalkers, and my favorite, incredibly cold weather. Other than seeing the sunset at LBL and eating a terrific dinner at Caffe Venezia (definitely recommend it for taste, not so much the price), we had a really good time and I was so glad that my speechlessness (I really had forgotten my Chinese) was interpreted so precisely by my auntie, who really picked up on my lack of words as my way of expressing my gratitude for her being here. Gosh, that's what a real friend for life is, one who can sense those little changes about you and can really make you feel comfortable in any circumstance. There was so much I learned from just being her this evening (I see her on levels of philosophical zen higher than I am), and I really wished I could have been with her longer. Sigh, school ruins all.

Meanwhile, life at Cal has picked up a lot and things have finally gotten around to settling. New faces and new classes certainly do dominate life so far, but at the same time, I definitely feel like I have a support group behind me to drag me back to sanity here and there. And while I struggle to fit everything in my schedule, I hope I can keep myself optimistic and ready to run the gamut of stress as the semester goes on.

Fingers crossed.

Random Fact of the Day: Loren Ipsum is not just dummy text, it actually comes from Cicero's treatise "The Extremes of Good and Evil".

Brooding Mania

2009-09-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

Has something gotten to people lately? For some strange reason, I feel like everyone around me has deepened their shadows a bit more (or should I say more than usual). True, we're college students stuck in the same boat, rowing the same oars, suffering the same lashes, but that doesn't mean we all need to crawl into the corner of our minds and hermit. Gosh, that's the term I use when I can't overcome my own laziness, but I don't believe people are lazy. That's the optimist in me talking, the naive version of myself still holding onto the illusion of sanity from the past. But, we need to all get over the hill. Why be scared about something we can't control? The jilted reality we see in everyday life is not the end all be all, something that I've found with my own rational mind, and we have to plod on with that hope still alive within. Just let go of those fears, and as Zhuangzi said so many centuries ago, the Way will guide us to where we belong.

Random Fact of the Day: Children grow faster in the springtime

The Last Word

2009-08-31T23:24:00.000-07:00

Before the pitifully short month of August disappears and becomes memory, I just wanted to say that I haven't felt this motivated to do things since freshman year. Seriously, I feel like I've been given a second chance at college, but now armed with so much more knowledge about how the institution functions and the environment surrounding the campus. I'm curious to see how long this feeling of exultation lasts, especially since I know I have a rather tough semester coming up...and ironically, I guess by saying that, I've set up myself to expect the worst.

But you just have to hope for the best, in any case. I have to continue my pursuit of my potential, wherever it lies.

Random Fact of the Day: Koalas are not bears.

Not So Alone in Fear

2009-08-28T00:55:00.000-07:00

Since the semester has started, I've felt like I've been given a crash course into the entire Berkeley culture, or what is the "normal" ways things go. The summer had been markedly different, and I guess I hadn't realized how drastically Berkeley transforms throughout the year. The beginning of Fall semester is truly another world as compared to the lulls of summer school, and I've been having to check myself now and then to see if I've returned to the Berkeley I knew in the past. Funnily, I personally have felt like a freshman again, but maybe with not so much of the wonderment and naivete, but nevertheless, refreshed. It's strange to see so many people around especially after getting use to not seeing anyone during summer. The masses of strange faces makes me want to lash out sometimes just so I could check that I'm not seeing more people than there actually are. It's a rather strange feeling, and I guess I've been quite piecewise with my words, but to the extent I can describe them, it's a beginning of a sort that seems so tangibly different and familiar.

But that isn't what I've wanted to talk about; more like, there has been this sense of urgency that started since last semester and grown up as summer progressed. It's the sense that the end is so near, so bitingly close that I feel like screaming, yet there is still so much to be done and time continues to flow in the same rhythm as before. There is a quality of surrealness that makes itself more and more apparent as we grow up and we recognize as the sign of aging, maturity for some, delusion for others. But underlying a lot of what I see and feel right now is a sense of fear for the future, the great unknown that lies ahead, the cliches go on and on. And the daunting fact that I have to be alone in facing this fear is just as debilitating, I am the one who chooses where I go, what I do, where my future lies, blah blah blah. It really is enough to make one crazy, psychotic, apocalyptic.

Why do I continue on then? I don't see life as this inexorable pull of time, sucking one into the undertow to suffocate one in the overwhelming masses of details, but rather a challenge to face up to oneself and push back that veil of the unknown. I recognize that there are so many blessings in my life, so many people that I've met, that I know I will be fine. Even if everyone I've met are acquaintances, they've come into my life and changed it in a little way. Even if I fail in my academics, I will still get a job in the future as part of my plans. Whether I will be satisfied in the future, in some ways, is not so important a question anymore, because I find myself finding a sense of satisfaction in the process of living, living in the moment. Typing whatever I have in mind is unpredictable sometimes, but realization of these certain truths have kept me positive, even when I doubt myself. Haha, the indefatigable optimist, that I is what I'm striving for. Too many times, it's easy to be the one on the receiving end of optimism, but what I see as maturity and wisdom is the ability to cross over and be someone that can give, and feel comfortable doing that. And from there, I believe there is a certain joy that comes out of serving others that is radically different from any other kind of joy. I can't say that that is what God is, but it is a sense of Love for my own life and other lives that can overcome fear.

It's true, the greatest fear of being human is loneliness, but we are offered so much in living that it's impossible to not celebrate that abundance. It's just too easy to forget that going through so many stressful things in life.

Gosh, I didn't realize I had this much to say....

Random Fact of the Day: In ancient Rome, it was a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.

Drifting on an Ocean

2009-08-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

I guess this entry comes from a reaction to some excellent reading I did. Life of Pi was certainly a book I had high expectations for, but maybe it's just been a long while since I've read a serious fiction novel that I was deeply inspired by how the story was told. It's written in a manner that vaguely reminds me of sitting in my high school English class with Ms. Palmieri, who constantly chided us for being unappreciative of the excellent tidbits of English literature she was showing us. But I guess it was futile really, I mean, how could we distracted teenagers of barely morally conscious age understand anything deeper than the Matrix?

I won't go any further into the actual plot of the book, but rather than the deep religious experience that it was meant to be, I have a different take on the message and meaning of the book. I think I can fall back to my thoughts on subjectivity in life, primarily because that is the most reliable fact I can find in living so far. The question of objective truth, which constantly tries to establish itself in the book, seems to be far too removed from the narrator to even matter, and in the end, it doesn't have a chance of becoming objectified with the narrator's enigmatic conclusion to his story. The curious thing is that the character hold on to his subjective experience as justification for an objective God figure, one that constantly holds him in a hellish situation of death by tiger or nature. Perhaps I haven't digested book enough to explore the more metaphorical aspects of the novel, but the main theme does not seem to be really focused on religion, but rather a belief in the factualities of living. How does one cope with what life deals you and your response? Do you have the knowledge and wisdom before to overcome your obstacles. Of course, these are never absolute questions given the nature of life, but the overcoming faith to a higher being is remarkable to say the least.

There is one thing that I find quite true, but also something frequently ignored in daily living: the animality of being human. All to often, we turn our eyes and noses away at how organic we are, the fact that we are just like any other living organism. It's funny how well the novel fits with my thoughts before, because yesterday, I watched the movie 12 Monkeys with Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt, and it precisely addressed this issue of animality in humans. Besides being an psychological thriller, the movie emphasized what was too overt of a theme to be ignored. Also, just the other day, I was randomly thinking what kind of animal would people that I know be if they were animals. For some, not naming names, were easy to image, but for others, it was difficult to decide but undeniably possible to do. I personally couldn't decide on what animal I would be (I saw that as a complete failure on my part in introspection) but it also got me wondering why I've stuck with certain associations. That's a whole other rabbit hole that I don't want to get into, so I'll leave it at that. Too much to talk about in too little time.

But I guess I can continue drifting along...and maybe I'll spot land sometime soon. In the meanwhile, I've got my wits about me to save what's left of my sanity.

Random Fact of the Day: Bengal Tigers may drag their prey to water to eat. They are commonly seen in the shade or wading in pools to cool off.

Burnout in 20 Seconds

2009-08-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like having been past the midpoint of my college years, I should be by now knowledgeable about how to deal with burnout, but at the same time, the stress and pressure is a reality. It's too easy to live in my own head when I have to face problems, and I know that it's become my habit to do that, but self pity, self reflection, self loathing has shown time and time again that they don't work. What is the alternative then? I get nowhere with escapism.

See, this is where courage matters, and I have to admire older people for that matter. How ever they decided to treat their problems and deal with consequences, they've come that way and at least learned something to keep them moving. It takes courage to live out what we want to become, and overcoming that fear so instinctual to our nature is probably the biggest challenge in life.

Sometimes, I get tired of philosophizing.

Random Fact of the Day: Armadillos, sloths, and opossums spend 80% of their lives sleeping.

Fatality Finale

2009-07-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

I really don't know why this is single idea has come up so suddenly and slapped me in the face so hard. Truly, it literally sucks the life out of living, draining away the colors and shades of delicateness. Yet, it appears that people have become so engrossed in this idea of decay and destruction that it most infuriatingly unproductive. I guess I may have found another direction to think in: the motivation of life that does not necessarily end in fatalism. The ends of death do not justify the means of living through our lives in the way that we want.

I think seeing a few examples of other falling down this slippery slope of fatalism has prompted me to embark on this assignment. And perhaps in a sort of desperation to fish myself out of the pit of despair and depression, I need to do this.

Random Fact of the Day: Hydrogen peroxide bubbles on wounds not because it is killing germs, but because it decomposes into water and oxygen gas in the presence of enzymes from broken skin cells.

For Nostalgia Sake

2009-07-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

So far in my life, I've come across many addicting and pleasure inducing computer games, which I have pour probably hundreds of hours into playing. I had enough time back then to spend at least several hours a day on the computer playing games, no matter how much homework I got from school. I was fully engrossed by games which required real time play, the kind where you build up your base/forces/army and then go attack the other guy. It was a kind of escape for me, where I could "virtually" fulfill my desires to be the winner in every scenario thrown at me. In some senses, I became habituated to playing PC games, and even now, I feel the pull from getting back into gaming despite my own busier schedule. It's an addiction, and I recognize it to be one, and I know going back to it will ruin every part of my life now. I admit I fall back into the "pit" every now and then, but I find that at least I have the will-power to drag my thrashing mind back into reality.

Why do I bring this up? Because it's the same analogy can be applied to so many things. I guess you can say I've subscribed to the idea that all things are flexible; there's no such habit that cannot be changed. We only become a certain way because we find that way to be convenient, beneficial, or honest. Growing up in this sort of culture that encourages self exploration, it's sometimes difficult to convince ourselves whether our habits reflect our true selves, or are just the product of indoctrination and tradition.

To be honest, I'm not very fond of going to the "open forum on religion" to share my thoughts tomorrow night with guys I don't know and is "moderated" by my smallgroup leader who can't follow our debate's progress. The only motivation I actually have is to see what conclusions we come up with, given our secular backgrounds and the implied religious tension/context of our meeting. I shouldn't get too arrogant about my own thoughts, though. I've promised myself that I will be open to whatever truths I do find.

It's hard to keep these kinds of thoughts in when someone keeps reminding me of the sense of bitterness I've discovered since I've "taken a break" from religion. New revelations and old reminders of the past has contributed to my close annoyance with exploring the subject even further, but I remain open. That is that.

I need to start a new habit this summer though: exercising regularly...ugg...

Random Fact of the Day: You can live without a spleen!

Unmotivational Inspiration

2009-07-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

Gosh, this blog is sad now, and I realize how withdrawn I've been this summer. Perhaps it was about time for me to get over my jealousy and resignation to school this summer.

Having more time to focus on academics have it's ups and downs. For one thing, I do feel like I understand the topics a lot better and I have more attention set on the work, but that just gives me another challenge: balancing life. I know I've neglected so much of myself by overloading academically, and I still am, so I need to rethink how things are going. Looking at myself psychologically, it's a struggle sometimes to challenge the routine and get out of the rut. At the same time though, it's too easy to just sit and vegetate. Where do I draw the line between self reservation and exploration.

I think I lost myself this past year, particularly because I've lost sight of where I'm headed. I keep saying that I will get myself to medical school, but that sort of pressure has gotten to me. Thus, I find that distractions are so much easier to go on filling my time with. This has gone far enough. I need to shape up and get back my motivation...or aka mojo.

Sigh, the wonders of summer...I'm so glad so much has happened so far that I can at least go on dreaming.

Random Fact of the Day: Because of its hot, damp climate, Florida produces thin-skinned juicy fruits; California’s drier climate, by contrast, produces thick-skinned, sweet “eating” oranges.

Torsion Forces

2009-06-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while once again and I know someone will berate me for this, so here goes. In the nearly week I've been silent, lots has happened but at the same time, not much has happened. Everything happens in the mind, and that I've found to be the hardest fact to accept. People in general like to think that whatever they've felt, experienced, seen, or heard were real sensations, but who knows whether or not life is entirely just a dream? So much can change in a moment.

So, I guess what I've come to understand is that I need to be flexible. I also need to be alright with myself for things to work out, because if I'm not okay with where I'm headed, I will only suffer the even more consequences.

That is all. I wish there were more clouds in the sky.

Random Fact of the Day: This month of June has been momentous: RIP Michael Jackson, Billy Mayes.

Wonderous Discourse

2009-06-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how much of my own life do I control. It's an interesting question that I think merits at least an hour of one's day to ponder. We like to think of ourselves as independently minded, self reliant individuals because that equals the unlimited freedom we're all told we have in this country. That Puritan work ethic, the lofty values we try to embody in our own lives, all are portrayed to be such wonderful ideals to work for, but where do we get these ideas from? My parents probably have been the greatest source of influence in my life so far, but certainly so much of life is up to me to decide. Where do I get my other ideas and opinions from? Perhaps the other source is a endless, ceaseless pressure from the rest of the world, the larger society constituted by other people. But, seeing that there are so many different perspectives and conflicting attitudes, which ones have I chosen? That, I believe is the crux of the question: how has my own identity been constructed? I must have decided somewhere along that I was going to take on a certain position, my own independent decision. Maybe it'll take me the rest of my life to work out this question.

Just something that was irritating lately: overly zealous Lakers fans rioted in downtown LA the other night when the Lakers won the NBA Finals. They basically trashed a few store fronts and broke police car windows. I saw that on the news and I thought, "Gosh, do any of these people realize what they're doing? These shops they're destorying are probably their neighbor's property, or more moronically, their own businesses?" Mindless sports fans/zombies brainwashed by a corporate media whose sole interest is the money in the pockets of those losers. It's just sad...

I've noticed that I've been vicariously deriving joy from seeing my brother playing his game on the Wii. What a curious phenomenon....

Random Fact of the Day: I'll be very impressed by whoever identifies the man in the picture above...

Good Things That Last

2009-06-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

Getting accustomed to my habital hermitage has been enlightening, in different ways. Not only am I forced to confront my worst fears, but I get a chance to deal with them in more than one constructive way. I guess the worst has already passed, facing the essentially "total isolation" from the rest of the world. Having such minimal outside contact gave my mind the opportunity to run wild, bringing me with it through callous thought ladders and undescriptive depression slides. Too much thinking doth do one harm, and I fought against those tendencies with brainwashing bouts of TV and Youtube, but through all of this menanical whimsing, I found myself in the middle.

Perhaps this was how we came up with the idea of a soul, through solitude and reflection. I've been doing some soul searching and what better way to do that than do reading. Sigh, the wisdom of the past and work of brilliant minds have probed so many different aspects of living already that it seems idiotic to wish for insipiration to appear out of thin air. One of the ideas that I've found to be extremely intriguing is desire utilitarianism. Don't want to make things boring with the details, but it makes for the best case for a secular basis for morality and values. I'm going to take some time to figure whether this actually works or not.

Anyways, I should have started this earlier. On the brighter side, I will be going to SD tomorrow to help my brother move out of his dorm. Will probably be some exciting stuff, so gotta get some rest.

Random Fact of the Day: Cats sleep 16-18 hours per day.

Slow Reaction

2009-06-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

I figure that being at home 23/7 now, I should be bursting with excess energy and pondering the questions of life, but that has not been the case. The familiar Socal lethargy, as Andrew calls it, has set in and I'm fully immersed in that cesspool of misery. It's almost as bad as wishing for anything to happen, which of course only asks for some misfortune to come knocking my way, but I am getting to that point of boredom that anything really will do.

So far, I've only accomplished a few noteworthy things that I would normally consider to be even less than noteworthy: read a few pages of Gun, Germs, and Steel which I've already read once before, started to play a new Schubert impromptu because it's easy to play, and progressed halfway through No More Heroes on Wii. Wow, that really isn't a lot considering that I've been home for a week and a half now. Hooray for my addiction to stress, because it's been a painful withdraw phase for me.

I do believe that this "uselessness" that I'm putting myself through is helping though. I do wake up fully rested every morning...sorry, noontime I mean...and I always find myself doing something other than sleeping. And, I eventually do fall into a pattern of activity, reading a few more pages of a book I've already read or touching the piano for a few hours or playing my Wii for the rest of the night. If life was this easy, we'd all renounce anything stressful, but damn reality.

The other thing I've noticed is that I've been evaluating my own opinion on many things as I purviewed at least a thousand youtube videos this week. From topics ranging from major topics like religion to trivial matters like who won American Idol (I really don't care, but I was bored enough to find out), it's been a refreshing week so far. Maybe I'll get the inspiration sometime to write about some of these things tomorrow, or later, or much later. Depends on how I make use of my time.

Random Fact of the Day: I guess I will keep this part of the entries, because it also keeps me entertained. Sigh, everything for a little entertainment.

Who's Right?

2009-06-01T22:57:00.001-07:00

I think in my last entry, I was too pessimistic for my own good. I won't go quietly...

I've been really lethargic lately, and it hasn't been absolutely detrimental to my mind, addicted to stress and work. Sigh, I really shouldn't complain, but it's nearly driving me to distraction (see above). Is this how things will end?

Random Fact of the Day: I'm planning to get rid of this section of my blog. It usually doesn't add anything significant...

Desolation and Renewal

2009-05-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

I like making my entry titles epic and to the point as well. The only problem is that sometime even I feel that I've made life overly sentimental for my own good. At the same time, an honest evaluation of where I am has revealed to me that I'm so far off from my dreams and desires that most of the time, everything is just happening in my head. Realization fortunately has two definitions and I have given myself as a goal in life to "realize" both, but it'll be harder than it seems.

So, looking back at the past semester, I can't say that I've done was well as I hoped. Halfway through my college career and I still feel like a newbie to many things. Perhaps that is a good thing by keeping things interesting, but I still feel lost and directionless. Too many possibilities lie before me, and paralysis of choice entraps me to pick the easier path.

I've lost all motivation to continue writing, but I did find this interesting video on happiness. Maybe doing some thinking during break will keep me busy in this period of rest.

Random Fact of the Day: The original city to be the home for Disney World was NOT Orlando, Florida. It was St Louis, Missouri.

Long Vacation

2009-05-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

So it's a new month and I haven't gotten the inspiration to write anything recently. Personally, it's been a terrible week and things are not going to look up any time soon. Not to be pessimistic, but even though my finals are still a week away, I believe I'm just as afflicted as every else: it's finals fever, and people do respond differently to that stress. My sleeping schedule's been messed up completely, which hasn't done wonders for my studying habits, and that gaming pit has opened up again. Sigh, so much for finishing strong this semester.

I have been pushing myself though, and mainly, it's the prospect of future vacation time after finals. The Tahoe trip is still yet to come, but I'm writhing in my impatience for things to end. This isn't good practice or attitude, which I believe is the reason to my sluggishness. Is this the same pitfall I've been on before?

Gosh, I miss having some real fun...

Messed around with the music player on my page. See if you like the autoplay...

Random Fact of the Day: The average person laughs 15 times a day

Last Minute

2009-04-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

I find myself hating this time of the year a lot more now that I've been through 4 semesters of Cal. It's always the long papers and annoying midterms that all pile up and start to produce stress. In addition, the creeping pressure of finals in two weeks just kills. It get me overly distracting at times, but at least I see now where I am beginning fall apart. Some people have begun their breakdowns earlier than I have, but it's not a comforting thought. It is in times of hardship that people begin to question their beliefs, both religious and secular. I believe though that I will think more clearly when I get more sleep.

I've been writing a paper...for so long now...hooray for low productivity...

Random Fact of the Day: John Steinbeck used a lot of pencils to write his novels, sometimes as many as 60 each day.

Meaning of Age

2009-04-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

I find that too often, we find ourselves so caught up with the present that we forget where we come from. I've definitely been feeling that since the semester started and there has been certain times where I have to stop myself from getting into a vicious cycle of self doubt and cynicism. I am not contradicting myself here when I say that we have to engage ourselves in the present; reflection and reevaluation is part of the process of understanding the present...and that's why I love history so much. We are shaped and fractured by so many factors and events that it would be foolish to forget the past, but we shouldn't let the past dictate our totality in the present. There are my two cents for the day...

Just recapping on the week before, things have wrapped up a bit in some places like APO, but others have wound themselves up some more like my history classes with its papers. When I have time to evaluate myself, I find myself pressingly busy, but also strangely free. Time is ever so fickle when you try to hold on to it. Maybe that's why we're always told to not waste our time, but we are the ones that give things meaning. Gosh, how paradoxical can life get?!

Now for some early sentimentality: I'm so proud of my littles for getting as far as they've come in the semester. It's been a great time hanging out and getting to know each of them a little more in each of our encounters, but there's still a longer road to go on. I've gone down a bit further on the path than they have now that I've bigged, but so much more awaits. It makes me excited, not just in terms of APO but more things in the future. CCM is also growing now that the old is going out and the new are coming in. We have so many new ideas that we want to try that I'm almost itching to get things started. It's going to require me to be organized with my schedule and I believe I am up for the challenge. Dboat is also now on my horizons as a possible route I can take and even trying for a honor society (sigh, grades) is in my scope. Things are picking up and others are settling down as part of my person: I am excited.

Random Fact of the Day: The projected life expectancy for babies born in 2000 was 77 years.

Stew and Cook

2009-04-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

Just looking at that makes me feel so much better...

I am wholly convinced that global warming has occurred and is destroying the world. There was a reason why I chose Berkeley over LA, and it all hinged on the weather. How could this come back and haunt me in this way! It is like that man up there is playing around with my head. Or maybe it's just the sun getting closer to the earth, you know, like it wants to get to know us better. Maybe what the aliens see looking down on Earth are a bunch of monkeys walking around destroying the very planet they're living on. How stupid can we be? Blah blah blah

There is a huge lull in my head right now, perhaps it is from the return to normalcy after the nightmarish Ochem midterm. Things have become so much more lax, but I have to keep myself accountable. There is only me, and there is much to be done. Engagement till the end, isn't that how we should go about living?

This heat is really getting to me....gaaaaah....*melts*

Random Fact of the Day: Drinking 16 ounces of ice water (0 degrees Celsius), requires the body to burn 17.5 Calories to warm the water up to body temperature. The recommended daily intake of water is 64 ounces (eight 8-ounce glasses). The body will burn 70 Calories if this amount is consumed as ice water.

Handful of Tacks

2009-04-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

Now that I am back from campout, which I enjoyed immensely, I am back to my hard working self...almost. Campout really gave me a chance to take a brief vacation from my overly stressed Berkeley self and take things a little bit slower in the great outdoors. Even though I was chilled to the bone in the sturdy but drafty nylon tent in the middle of nowhere, I felt at the same time that much closer to my fellow co-bigs and littles. Perhaps it is true that only through hardship do we come to truly appreciate the meaning that other people have in our lives, and whether or not the stress is artificial or necessary is pretty much beside the point. That's what getting to know people boils down to in overly simplified words: identifying a bit of yourself, humanity, in another person and being able to relate with him/her. All the other stuff about friendship and bonding come after that initial breakthrough, and that's probably why people call it "ice breaking". I'm not saying I've got this all figured out, but it's just easier to start with something.

Anyways, being back and getting screwed over in my bio midterm has not been fun. The constant drilling that is necessary now for the upcoming monster called ochem has been driving me crazy. I don't know how much of this I can take, but the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter than ever, especially now that I have so much to look forward to afterward. So far, I do have three movie nights booked and another two weeks before anything huge is due, so in the meantime, I will take full advantage of my relative lull. Too many other things are going to stress me out later, so might as well get myself ready now.

Random Fact of the Day: Everyone has spent at least half an hour as a single celled organism.

Grasping at Straws

2009-04-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

The night before I'm going away this weekend for the semesterly APO campout, I see the microcosm of my life spinning around me. Even the now, as I immerse myself fully into my own little Berkeley world, my stresses have driven me to a new edge of hopelessness. I am holding up fine, but just the feeling of looking down into a deep abyss that makes me nervous. Bit by bit, I feel my mind fracturing under the weigh of my upcoming midterms, but I have to continue clinging on. That's the only way I'll make it through.

I don't mean to be so negative, but things haven't worked out the way I've wanted...

Random Fact of the Day: Stressed is Desserts spelled backwards

Cognitive Framing

2009-04-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

The complete talk is in the description. Love all that philosophical reasoning + rock solid science + psychology + politics!

Living It Up

2009-04-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

Probably not in the sense that most people take it, and really, that's the worst thing I hate...stereotyping people and attacking the strawman for an argument. I know it's pretty easy to do since it simplifies all the complexities of life, but life ain't simple, young grasshopper...

I know I have a pretty busy week coming up. Frat stuff is catching up as we approach campout and the craziness of preparation. Midterms are screaming in my head as the days go by, and the attraction of just dropping it all and taking a day off just to hangout with people is tempting. However, I feel more and more in my element here. It's almost like proof of where my philosophizing has worked: in turning what I saw as a stressful, destructive cycle of ups and downs into one that I can work out...too many details to touch all at once. Defense mechanism of the brain FTW.

Anyways, Glive was great tonight. Definitely was what I was expecting (awesomeness) but also what I was hoping to expect (more awesomeness). There was just a few things I saw in the performance and that brought up questions that had remained in my head from before. I had my familiar talk afterwards with Difan to get through a few things...(we will watch Memento sometime) Anways, it was great to see people I knew up there and performing their very best. Almost made me jelous, but gosh, all that time spent...

Random Fact of the Day:The tune for the "A-B-C" song is the same as "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

Quick Education

2009-04-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Coming back from Spring Break has not been pleasant to say the least. I find myself barely able to keep up with the work. Just last night, I had to pull a near all nighter to finish a lab report, a prelab write up, and a paper. I don't function the next day without sleep, and as a direct consequence, I completely screwed up my ochem lab this morning. I know the coming weeks will be days of hellish busyness, but I am still hopeful for that day of grace. From experience, I know that day will come...

I was lucky enough today to go on my first trip to Costco near Berkeley. It was like going to heaven...and I inspired to try blackberries. But now I don't understand why people like them. They aren't sweet or sour or bitter...more like a blend of indescribable flavors.

Found this very interesting video on the financial crisis. Everyone needs to see this.

The Crisis of Credit Visualized from Jonathan Jarvis on Vimeo.

There is something I do find redeemable and worth noticing in this period. I don't find myself as frazzled as before. The lessons of last semester have stayed in my head and I find myself so much more peace with what I encounter. No longer is that desire to rush to the end, maybe a little more mature patience is what I've learned. Or maybe it's just that the world has caused me to become so much more numb.

I'm apparently not the only one seeking for a sensual reality worth believing in; Chinese people in the Ming sought for so much more "passion" in their lives that they were willing to give up social norms and "face" to find it. Not quite there yet, but maybe some more days of sleep deprivation would convince me otherwise.

Random Fact of the Day: Properties around any kind of school tend to be more expensive, duh.

Old Man Status

2009-03-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many times I heard that today, from both my parents and my friends. But, it's true, I have lived through two decades of my life, one fifth of my lifespan, nearly half of my healthful years. I don't how much my body will hold up to my youthful thoughts and activities like eating late night, staying up late for no reason...etc. Sigh, sometimes, some things are just not meant to be permanent.

So, today really was just a simple day. What I had originally planned as a productive week of work had to be put on hold for myself as I indulged in the extraordinarily obsession-raising world of games. After having lunch with my parents, I had the luxury of having Vinceent, Deek, and Andrew over for an afternoon of complete mindless, trigger happiness. Then, going out and getting some decent sushi, we got ourselves some good boba and continued on our revelries. I really had a good time partying it out with games, games, and more gaming that I completely forgot where I stand in terms of maturity...haha. I think it's forgivable, especially since it will be another long wait until the next time.

Growing up too fast sure has it's downsides...

Thanks to everyone's birthday wishes, from the bottom of my heart =D

Random Fact of the Day: I am 631,252,808 seconds old.

Holding On

2009-03-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

So, to conclude yesterday's drama, I did get my luggage back, quite successfully I might add, and my nightmare of a day ended with some good old fashion family time topped with a quick visit with old friends. I was only further disappointed slightly by the less than ideal quality of the food at my formerly favorite restaurant (the one everyone goes to in Cerritos, haha) and the strange rumblings in my stomach after it, but other than that, I had a good night. Gosh, the only thing now is that I had an extra letter of complaint to write to the BART owners. They will get a piece of my mind soon enough...

Other than that, I'm enjoying my so far stressless break. Part of this I give credit to my well management of my schedule this break. I actually shouldn't call it a break because I have planned so much work to be done during break. That's the nature of the beast called Berkeley, as compared to other people (namely my brother) who have nothing to do with their school quarters over. I'm ready to get myself back into working mode tomorrow though, because in some ways, too much rest is really just idleness glorified, which is actually counterproductive to my own mind already accustomed to being busy. It's strange how reality can be twisted just by perception: break turns into stress while work turns into vacation.

Maybe I'm just delirious from too much sleep...haha, I hope so.

Being a pincushion for my dad has not been fun, but at least my badminton injury feels much better.

Random Fact of the Day: There is no such thing called a "panther". Most of the cats called that are black leopards or pumas.

Ill Omen

2009-03-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

It really seems like I'm cursed, because everytime there is a break of some sort (Spring Break, Summer vacation, Winter Break), I always find myself in situations of great frustriation and hair wrenching. It's been like this ever since my first memories in elemetary school, where I'd forget to turn in homework to last year, where I almost forgot to take my final (long story). Anyways, I'm stuck right now at the Oakland Airport, waiting to get on my flight to go home. Nothing went the way I planned since this morning...

I woke up at 8 PM to get ready for my flight at 11. I had already packed and was ready to go, but thinking that it was early, I took my time getting myself out the door and to the BART. It was about 9:30 when I got to the BART station, and not knowing when the next train would come. Fortunately (I guess something did go right), a train was due in 7 minutes, which was perfectly fine. The train did come on time, and I relaxed for a short ride to the Coliseum stop. That short ride, however, turned into a long 30 min crawl. I seriously have never seen the BART go so slowly...we were going like 1 mph on curves that normally didn't need slowing...and we waited 10 minutes at MacArthur waiting for people on other trains to transfer. I did have a premontion on the train though that things would go terribly wrong at the pace I was moving, but taking my advice from my previous entry [sic], I decided to just get on with my traveling.

So, the fun part begins after I get off the BART. Knowing that the ride to the airport shouldn't take more than 15 mins, I nonchalantly get to the AirBART stop and get on. I was feeling lucky then becuase the bus had just come and there were quite enough people to get the driver to start driving, I thought. But, the bus didn't move for almost 20 minutes. It was 10:36 when we started on our way, just as I was about to choke someone. I was suppose to have boarded at 10:35, and by the time I had leap off the bus and started running maniacally to the check in counter, it was nearly 10:50. Thankfully, the check in hadn't closed (they were suppose to close half an hour before) and I was feeling much better too having "made it" with some other people, who also looked like Cal students (how much truer can "misery loves company" be...). I strode towards security, passed through without too much trouble (I had to throw away my water, which I had forgotten to put away in my hurry) and scrambled towards the gate. Boarding pass in hand, I triumphantly handed it to the flight attendants at the gate, thinking that at least my worries were over....until I realized that something was missing in my hands. I had brought along two of my flutes, and I still remembered holding onto them on the BART and the AirBART, but my memory became fuzzy after that in my panic. With my head drowning in despair, I ran back to the gate and pleaded with the attendants to let me back to security. Luckily, they let me go back, and I had the opportunty to do the most awkward sprint in my life. At security, the officers probably thought I was coming from a emergency of sorts because I was sweaty as heck and incoherent. My flutes aparently didn't go through security. What should I do? All I could think then was to sprint back to the gate and at least get on the plane...but then it occurred to me. What if I stayed behind to find the flutes (if that was possible) and went on the next flight. I had the time...but I didn't know if I wanted to do that. Short of breath and dying inside, I made my choice: to stay behind. I'd be going home on the flight at 6. That's the best I could do.

My first thought was to call home. Gosh, I was ready for a beating over the phone, but fortunately, I was spared. All that left me was myself to beat up...but giving myself a moment, I found myself mostly mad, but calmed down. I could reserve my anger later for the BART lazy men, but my calm needed to go with some action, and so I calmly went to the restroom, came out of the terminal and went to the check in counter to see if I could recover my flutes. I did find my flutes at the counter (SIGH of relief) and get my standby status for the flight at 6. That's where I stand right now, after waiting a good 5 hours now...

Don't know what more drama awaits me in Long Beach...finding my luggage (which did get on the plane) will be tons of FUN...more later...

Rage On

2009-03-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today was surprisingly different from what I was expecting. Rather than the daily drag from 8 am to 12 pm, it's been a riveting cascade of places after places. I found myself almost invigorated by some unknown source of power that at times made me extremely irate about what was going on around me, and at other times brought out the best feelings of joy and happiness. I don't believe I am bipolar, but in some ways, what I am thinking of as anger is so much more complex than what I thought it was.

So just a recount of the day, bio lab was infuriatingly slow as usual. Curiously, I found no feeling of camaraderie among the people I usually talk to, but rather I started to talk to other people in my section, with no other intentions. Then, I felt full of wrath as I peer reviewed a very poorly written draft of another group's research proposal for their biology experiment, and with a red pen in hand, I made that paper bleed. I left my lab feeling angry, but for no apparent reason.

Right after, though, I met up with my smallfam for "experimental office hours" and lunch. By then, I had calmed down and we had a pretty pleasant talk for an hour and a half. I actually think having OH is a great idea, especially when you're trying to get to know someone here on campus. Not having anything angry on my mind definitely made time pass quickly and enjoyably.

Going home, I took a nap as I was exhausted from not sleeping well the past few days. Waking up, I went to go see a potential apartment that Soney and I were thinking of moving to. It was relatively cheap and close to campus, but it was just a little bit small for our taste. Sadly, the search will have to continue.

Moving on, I had my CCM Coordinators meeting, which ended up taking 1 and a half hours. I did start to feel that rage build inside as I worked out planning the rest of the week, but it was constructive wrath. I felt so enthused in discussing that I felt I had found a flow for myself. This carried on as I went studying with my smallfam, and I find myself working so much more efficiently than before.

I am not an angry person, but thinking about where all of rage is coming from, I thinkit's from the toilet in the bathroom I share with two other guys, which has been clogged since two days ago because one of them (who I know clogged it in the first place) refuses to try and unclog the damn thing...

F****

Random Fact of the Day: Anger can kill you!

Driven To Distraction

2009-03-15T21:01:00.001-07:00

I had that title thought out like four hours ago, but for some reason that I am still trying to think of, I was distracted and totally forgot what the heck I was going to write for my title. What was I going to say after this? I think I need to think about this for a minute. It really is times like these when I have to wonder whether all the thinking that I'm doing all the time is really what I need. With so many things going on in my life, I really have noticed that I spend too much time thinking about what to think about, and with that comes unnecessary stress. Maybe it's just a side effect for INTJs...too much intellectualizing about intellectualizing. So...what was I going to talk about...

With life so far so good, I guess I will rant about my suitmates. I actually don't know both of them very well, but despite that, they have caused me what I see as unnecessary stress in my living quarters. For those that don't know my living conditions, I have my own room which is like a studio and I share a bathroom with two other people in our "suite". I think I've already mentioned the guys next door that takes 30+ showers in the morning when I have a 8 am lecture. It makes me so nervous whenever I wake up, especially if I hear showering noises from the bathroom. I've had to knock several times now to ask him to finish up, especially when I've been waiting for more than 20 minutes and I know I would be late to lecture. And then there's the other guy that mutters to himself whenever I see him. He walks funny and seems to have some issue...not being judgmental here...but he can't seem to keep the bathroom hygenic. Whenever the toilet get clogged (which is relatively often sadly), he can't seem to unclog the toilet himself, leaving me to have to do the dirty work the next time I do have to go do business. He apparently likes to use empty toilet paper rolls because I always seem to be the one that has to change them. The worst is when he goes in the bathtub and doesn't try to at least flush it with water....I will leave things at that. I am very keen on moving out of my place for next year and I do very much hope that at least Soney will be clean-loving and take short showers...at night.

So apart from all that chaos that I call my place, I find myself very frazzled and scatter brained more and more recently. It shows in my classes in terms of grades. I feel like I've forgotten some of the lessons I've learned so far, and it bothers me, to the point that I have to question myself on my decisions. Am I really that much mature than I think I am? More often than not, I have to answer no for that and it scares me. What does it mean for where I'm headed?

My head hurts now, so I'll just do the brainless thing and recount the past week. I was gutted and smoked on Wednesday and Thursday, which made Friday seem so oddly listless. I did do Calstar Yoga which suprisingly picked up my spirits. I didn't realize how uplifting old people can be...when they want to be I guess. Yesterday was a blast with it completely taken up by APO, starting with my late morning brunch and all afternoon costume-making bonding and the late night "fun and games". I have to say that I've gained so much insight into what it means to be in a fraternity that I will leave those thought for later. Then, this morning, in the wind and rain, I had to meet up with my group for our biology proposal. Fun stuff, but gosh, I've been very distracted.

Back to work for just one more week. Spring break needs to come faster.

Random Fact of the Day: A research center in SF has opened, studying the female orgasm. (New York Times)

The Grind

2009-03-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Gosh, today was tiring, and so were the past couple days. The only saving grace that I've been able to find are with people, and I've had plenty to keep me going. To have friends around to share in your misery, laugh in your face when things go wrong, and sympathize with you when things go terribly wrong, it truly is a gift in life. So, I have to say first, thanks to all those that I met, even if it was just in passing on campus, because all of you have given me so much motivation to go on.

Now, if that sounded mushy, get over it. There are only a few things that I really stirred me in the past week, primarily through APO. I can say that being an active really gives off a different vibe, even among my own former pledge brothers. We've become the drivers for the fraternity and things can get changed under our influence. Having authority really changes how one behaves. But I think we are making very positive changes on the fraternity, as far as I can see, especially in the big no-no issue: becoming inebriated off record. At least my smallfam hasn't engaged in that, primarily because we haven't been able to meet up as much as other families, but also there's no incentive for us to get drinks...I'll just leave it at that. Traditions are carried on by people, but people can choose what they want to do with these traditions.

Next week will be quite exciting, beginning this weekend. First of all, next week is the week right before Spring Break! which means that things will be more and more energized as the break approaches. Second, I've gotten tickets for 2 shows where one of them is going to be hearing Ang Lee talk. Third, broomball is already making the coming weekend exciting and there is more to come for APO stuff next week. There are lots of stuff to keep me busy, and keep me from thinking too many random thoughts.

Random Fact of the Day: In an average lifetime, most people will walk and equivalent of 5 times around the equator.

Friends of Benefit

2009-03-05T23:17:00.000-08:00

Such a tiring week that has finally finished. I know some people will hate me for saying this, but YEA! I'm DONE for this round of midterms. I feel much less tense when I'm sitting on my couch in my room, staring through space between the blinds like a prisoner to my life. The craziness ended today and thankfully, I have a wonderful weekend to look forward to too. The only thing I can complain of is the lack of companionship since most other people have just started their round of midterms (those humanities majors) or are just in the middle of them. It's really gotten me to think though of where I stand at this point of my college life, and it's a question that I will continually need to reevaluate.

I had an interesting dinner talk with Andrew today. We were discussing about his future plans in business and he was getting all riled about trying out the real estate game early on. Something he said took me a bit back, but I really shouldn't have been all that exasperated though. He said that he was willing to play that business game of "connections" even if it meant him pretending his enthusiam. People really are just instruments in the business world to benefit oneself, which is why having more people on that phone contact list is so important. This was one perspective that I knew was there and completely tried to ignore because it clashed so much with what I believed in. But, there is some kernel of truth there, and that's why I had to accept his point. Really, put as bluntly as possible, we all make friends to get something out of knowing the person, whether it be financial partnership or emotional support, however, I do believe there should be something more than just that. Companionship has effects that are truly unfathomable, and that's why people make friend with other that would appear to be degrading or embarassing. That's why there is love in this world, because it's far more than just benefit that one gets by love. One can share existence with another mindful being, and I find that to probably be the biggest source of joy anyone can feel.

Alright, enough with the mushy stuff. I have to rant about Asian films, which I've just watched today in my Taiwanese decal class. The movie we are watching is "Cape No. 7", and frankly, it has to be one of the worst films I've seen in a long time. I would characterize the movie as a "comic romance", not a "romantic comedy"as the movie follows a very typical Asian drama formula. There is always that self reliant girl who is trying to prove herself, that debauch old man who provides laughts, the overly flambouant mother, and the perfect protagonist guy that all the girls want to get with. It's so predictable that it makes the whole movie just stink of unoriginality. Also, the worst part is the amount of randomness the director inserts in the the movie, which does nothing at all to add to the plot. It just makes the entire movie feel very low grade and cheap. Sigh, I guess Asian films still have a long way to go before they can get to a competitive level with Western films. Even the one symbolic Asian film "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", when it first came out in Chinese, I watched it with my parents, and afterwards, we all agreed that it sucked. Haha, it's not that we were brainwashed by western culture, but it was the typical story telling was just terrible. That is that...who wants to debate me on that?

It was really fun today too with my littles. It can be counted as our first smallfam social after interfam, and gosh, we have a long way to go in terms of getting to know one another, but at least it feels much more comfortable interacting with everyone else. That's more than just having friends with benefits, as being in the frat will give me this external (sure it is superificial) but at the same time, meaningful connection with my fellow brothers and pledgies.

Random Fact of the Day: Sakuran means "confusion" in Japanese.

Politics as Usual

2009-02-28T20:47:00.001-08:00

What annoys me more than anything else in the world is when people pretend to know what they don't know. Confucius says in the Analects that the wisest know that they don't know, which constitutes true knowledge. Therefore, I find BS truly repugnant to the highest degree when I see it.

Here, I'm talking about politics which I don't think too many people care about these days. Not so surprisingly, people's interests have fallen wayside after the inauguration of Obama and things are back to being primarily controlled by those interested few in Washington D.C.. It really is just a shame that people don't talk about politics more often...I mean, it really does affect our lives. Maybe it's just that we've all just bought into the social indifference all around us, where not every matters.

If only Mozi was right, where outward practice could always show how much we actually care about someone, not just facades.

That's my bit for the day, I need to get working on my essay...

Random Fact of the Day: The original for a butterfly was flutterby.

Busy Bodies

2009-02-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

It is one thing to complain and another to critique, and that difference really makes all the difference. I find myself the harshest critic of myself recently as things have devolved to that once familiar state of midterm stress, but it has been helpful. I don't find that those things that should make me want to strangle myself have lessened their grip, and facing the realities of living in the moment head on has allowed me to stay the course I need to have. Haha...it's been a scarey and exciting week since my last entry...so here are the tidbits:

Frat life has once again risen to the top of my list as things ramp up for another pledging semester, but this time with me on the other side of the process. Meeting and fawning over my littles really gave me a perspective, one unmatched by anything else before. In an almost fated way, I've been put in charge of these couple pledges who have come to see how life in the fraternity will be...and I've got to show them the ropes and the secrets...I even feel my own head getting bigger by the moment. Haha, it really is a new experience and I'm glad I did stick it out in the end of last semester to continue my committment. I just hope things will continue well and the semester will be great! So, here's to my littles: Betty, Salinda, Patrick, Frederick, Carolyn...B3Ps!

Other than that, midterms have come full force to smack me in the face, but I've learned a few tricks to keep this nervous wreck sane and functioning. My running face on to my challenges have paid off with better understanding of the material and better habits...for studying that is. Everything else has pretty much fallen into negligence, but that is the consequence of devoting oneself to academics. What I have to do right now is just push a little more and that effort will get me going forward again...it's that hope. Gosh, how valuable is this little bit?

The practice MCAT really drove home how much I still need to know. Through the thoroughly humbling experience, I saw that I was well under way for the journey and down that path, but it was all up to me to how fast do I want to proceed. So many sideroads exist that things can turn our in a myriad of ways and that both pleases and scares me. That tipping point has been reached, I guess, that point during college where one knows instinctively the road to take now continues to move full stride towards that goal. mmm...I sound really old...but I can't help it.

Sigh, I can really just take things one step at a time...or else what else can I do? What can you do when the sky threatens to rain all the time?

Random Fact of the Day: Boba was invented in the 1980s. Before then, tapioca was randomly used in desserts.

Creepy

2009-02-18T23:27:00.001-08:00

So it's come down to another of those times, where things get overly stressed and every single professor decides that it's time to torture their students all at once. Seriously, how bad is it when every single class you're in has either a midterm or a paper due next week and you haven't quite started preparing for any of them? It's almost infuriating for me to think that I'd be lucky enough to have so many things to do.

So APO has started up again and things really are getting interesting. I'm quite excited for my littles and they will surely be pampered beyond imagination. Haha...ritual was definitely interesting as my first time fulfilling my roles as an active. I really did get shivers down my spine when the plegies came in...gosh, don't know why I'm gushing so much.

Anyways, there is still so much work to do and no more time to play around. Serious all the way, now...

Random Fact of the Day: James Horner composed the theme for Titanic.

Soft Cookie Bites

2009-02-11T11:24:00.000-08:00

It seems like the time between my entries have extended considerably. Maybe this is an indication that I've become busier, more much more likely, lazier. Well, it does take some sort of inspiration from the day to get myself writing something, and the recent days have mostly been bland, despite the rush of things from classes, frat, clubs, and extracurriculars. I really don't have any concrete thoughts, just tidbits of things that come and go. Isn't that the best way to experience life, in bite sized pieces?

Just a few hours ago, I was at Andrew's place baking cookies for tomorrow's game night with APO. I tried to experiment with the dough by adding an extra egg, but this resulted in gooey cookies that didn't come off of the foil, basically ruined. However, they were excellent in taste because I had used a secret ingredient that I just so happen to discover. Really, I love baking because every time is different. No one is the perfect cook, only luck and really good skills will make food taste good for others. This is required experimentation...just like everything else in life.

Went to go see the IB advisor today. Strangely, although I was overwhelmed by my feelings of listlessness and bewilderment from trying to schedule my life for the next two years, I felt really enthusiastic about my predicament after talking to her. Even though I've condemned myself to this path, she had really assured me of my choices, and that probably is the best thing that anyone can do for me at this point. It's that knowing of some certainty and some alternatives that perhaps kept me going forward. Now it's all up to me. Gosh, where will I lead myself?

I auditioned for the Purple Silk Orchestra in Oakland and got in. But, frankly, it was an extremely humbling experience, especially seeing the little kids in junior high and elementary perform high level pieces with relative ease. While these juniors were playing the most heavenly music, this old college man was struggling with the simplest notes. I just hadn't learned the fingering to follow along with everyone else. I guess I still have much to learn...as the cicada kid and student dove finally said.

Saw this entry by chrissong on my newsfeed about love and friendship. Too deeply analyzed love is not love at all, just an empty promise with its soul sucked out. And not all friendship is built on jealousy (although sometimes it is), or else things would just be a simple love-hate dichotomy, which it certainly isn't. It is a given that we all have flaws, but that doesn't always cause attachment or adoration, rather I think it's how one comes to terms with their faults that I find admirable. I believe all of the people I consider friends have something admirable about them that continues to keep me entranced by their person. I don't have any respect for anyone that can't or fail to be genuine with themselves.

Is hypocriticism a word? Sometimes I wish it was, because that's a trap we all tend to fall into.

Random Fact of the Day: A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey wrapped in bacon is called a Turbaconucken.

Practice

2009-02-03T23:54:00.000-08:00

Today was almost like any other typical Tuesday, except that I was able to squeeze some meaning from the usual riffraff of school and work. Hmmm...to sort things out....

My terrible suite mates barbarically used the bathroom for 30 minutes this morning while I was cursing in my room, waiting my turn. But I it didn't matter anyway in the end since I got to my Ochem lecture earlier than Soney, Trang, or Thui. Just a reminder that somethings just need to be let go of. There's no use in trying too hard to make certain things go your way; rather, accepting the flow of events and working within them makes a whole lot more sense.

Going back to my room after lecture, I plopped myself onto my throne aka computer chair and stared out the window for a long while. I was feeling quite tired, but the application forms for double majoring laid incomplete on my desk, urging me to finish. I've been trying recently to lay out my life for the entire next two years, but everytime, the pressure of trying to get everything done right away would get to me and I'd fail miserably again in procrastinating. But there is one thing that I realized, which is that far too often, we spend all of our time worrying about the future and the past, and while the present slips away, we don't notice it, and finally, when the realization comes, we fall into the same habit of regretting the past, kind of like this long sentence I've just wrote. I really don't feel like changing it, because it can succintly reflect what I'm thinking at this point, which is the point I was reminded of: staying within the present and plan for the next second, because you never know what will happen in the next.

The Chinese history lecture today actually inspired me to go to my professor's office hour, and to my surprise, she shared quite a number of insights that I had been discovering throughout the day. But the main point she made was the issue of practice, and how the only way we can be sure of anything in life is to form our habits. "Practices" as she called them require us to pay attention to ourselves and find that moment of joy in life, like playing a piano. You know when you're playing well, "in the zone", flowing with the music. We need to cultivate those disciplines in our life to really find out who we are...and I know I sound like I'm just waxing here, but I definitely found insight into my own life, particularly how I've arrived at this stage with the support of people that cared for me. Appreciation for what my parents have done for me has always been in the back of my mind, but seeing how deeply they shaped me and molded my personality and behavior through these "practices" made me apprecate my parents that much more. I really don't know why this particular thought popped up in this context, but the feelings struck me so suddenly that I even got surprised.

Well, that much would probably be a good amount for anyone to think about in a day. Haha, I feel like getting better at these long entries, but maybe it's just all babble like that last one?

Random Fact of the Day: The early Chinese (300 BC) wrote sex manuals that instructed men and women how to properly "fuse the yin and yang" for procreation.

Babble On

2009-01-30T21:51:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I feel like today was significant...not in the unforgettable and etched-in-the-brain sort of sense, but rather like an prolonged epiphany of sorts. Haha, it's just like my brain decided to work again like it's suppose to. It really has just become a habit for me to find meaning in anything that I do nowadays...I just can't help it.

Probably the most impacting, Koinonia Bible study really struck me, but not in the way it usually did. Before today, I'd listen to the message Pastor Ed would give and find each moral lesson compelling in some way, but for some reason, tonight I found myself disagreeing with much of what Pastor Ed was saying. Further reflection made me realize, as I dismissed each point he was giving, that I had reversed my thinking about religion in a fundamental way. Maybe it was that time away from Church before and during winter break, or my experience with going to Sofia's church, but I felt my experience tonight really turned me off from even listening to the logic presented to me in the message. Things just didn't seem as easy or simple as Pastor Ed was saying about how the world works and who we are as humans. My mind was really preoccupied with this paraphased saying from Confucius, "Why worry about what happens after our lives when we don't even know what's going on with ourselves when we live." In some ways, that probably describes my feelings at this point, and it has given me some perspective on what my life is about at this point: to focus on my studies. I think coming to that conclusion and going with that approach this semester has given me resolve and focus so far despite many of my classes becoming harder and busier. It might be too early to say this, but with what I'm feeling right now, I'm feeling that this semester will turn out much better than before regardless of religion in my life.

The other thing that occurred to me as I was sitting in Dwinelle, listening to the message, was how much everyone around me has changed. I love the people I've met and interacted with at Chruch, but they all seem to have moved on to some other place, some foreign destination while I have just stayed in one place in comparison. Maybe it is more like I have moved on to something else, somewhere else in a totally different direction. In some ways, it's painful to me because I find myself unable to relate with much of the fundamental aspects of these people who I use to find important and had weight before. I had invested a part of myself in them, but with this fundamental difference, there doesn't seem to be any deeper way I can relate anymore. I don't share what they believe...and I don't see myself heading the same way as they are...and it's painful. What to do with the friendships? This process of extrication is so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm sure Sofia can probably relate to what I'm saying here, but I'm sure it's much harder for her. And just as I was thinking about getting myself out of this hole, they give me the shovels to dig myself further...seeker classes, GLive, rides to my hospital volunteering, visiting people's places...etc. It makes it that much harder...but what can I do?

What can I do? That passion for this area of life has just extinguished...so what to do with the ashes? How much change do I want in my life at this point? I can't disappear...and I don't want to...but knowing how wide the canyon is between me and them, what can I do?

I think what set me off on this conclusion was partly due to my experience today flyering for APO. Doing it for the first time, I've realize how deeply entrenched I am in my fraternity...I mean, I woke up relatively early to get to tabling on time! And seeing as well how much I have invested in the frat really shook me to see where my real priorities and responsibilites lay: with academics. I think that's probably the goal I should have had before, but I seemed to have been distracted with a lot of other things including joining the fraternity. I don't regret joining and participating in the events that I have now, but it goes back to that question I asked myself before, how much do I want to involve myself in when I begin doing something? I've even started to do other things this semester and plan to do even more, so there are already so many things on my plate to balance at this point. Maybe I'm just asking to kill myself with work at this point...will get back to this question when it is midterm or finals time.

I got asked two really good questions from people at Bible study today: one from Hugo, who asked me, "What are you most involved in these days?" and one from Jenny, "How busy are you going to be this semester?" I think the answers I gave them were quite untrue (which were CCM and very busy)...I will probably be the most involved with my academics and that will make me terribly busy, so much so that I will probably go crazy. But despite this, I believe that I will have enough faith in myself to pull through this semester, belief in my own abilities so that I can accomplish what I need to accomplish at this point in my life.

The good thing is, I am feeling quite content right now...quite a strange feeling even to me. But I want to stay this way.

I will be so surprised if anyone can get through all this babble I just wrote...

Random Fact of the Day: Coca Cola was originally green.

The Secret to Coping

2009-01-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

So, the secret to coping is to:

Accept and Engage with Reality.

Haha, I certainly hope that this won't be anticlimactic for people, but maybe it's just me. And I'm sure we can all put labels onto what sort of ideology I've subscribed to in saying what I'm going to say, but I really think what I've discovered (and in some ways, what I've known for a while now) works for the most part. You can say that I'm in a really good place right now both mentally and physically. That "neediness" is perhaps lessened at least in my head...because I've decided to fully engage myself with dealing about stress. No more wallowing in self delusions is my goal for this semester...haha.

Sigh, maybe it's just the start of the semester that's getting to my head...it's too early to make any judgments on things at this point. I think I need to sleep earlier, which will probably keep my head clearer...

Random Fact of the Day: Mount Everest grows an average of 27 inches more per year.

Lunar New Year! Ox-some New Year!

2009-01-26T23:58:00.000-08:00

恭喜! 恭喜! 新年好!

For some reason, it feels like Chinese New Year has been the real end of the year for me. It feels like a singular pinnacle that once I've been over it, the true swath of stressors and sources of anxiety will being to reveal themselves in my daily life. That will be when I return to the daily grind.

Alright, enough depressed sentiments in this entry. I think a chronicle of my day of fun would be suitable to lift any spirits out there. Yesterday was amazing in all senses of the word. Since morning, I had my spirits up to wake up my fellows and herd them to the bus stop for the bus en route to Oakland. We enjoyed quite thoroughly the "excellent Dim Sum" in the words of Andrew's apartment mates and afterwards, Difan and I went crazy splurging at the Oakland Chinatown street fair. Luckily, racing back to Berkeley was extremely smooth with the BART and 52L all coming relatively on time and the chance encounter with Eric and Sofia on the bus going to 99 Ranch. Then, we have four short hours of karaoke, singing to our heart's content but not completely fulfilled and compelled us to promise to go singing again. Then, proceeding to rush into the supermarket for our hotpot meal, we piled all the veggies, pork, fish balls, dumplings into our shopping cart and practically ran back to Berkeley, dispersing to our places to prepare for a fun night of hot pot. As I had estimated, we started cooking at around 8 and didn't quite finish until 9:30, but it was well worth the time and effort as the eight people that gathered savored the yummy goodness of the hotpot items and the fried nian gao. Then, as a great end to the day and as a bonding opportunity, we spent a good 3 hours playing Cranium where everyone got the chance to make fools of themselves. In the end though, good things could not last, but everyone was fulfilled. All I could say after returning to my apartment at 2 am was "Today was so busy, fun, and tiring...wish I could do this some other time."

I love Chinese New Years...primarily because of the red envelops and the lack of having to make resolutions.

Now for some pop songs for Chinese New Year...I wonder how these songs do off season?

Random Fact of the Day: Popular tradition says that if you were born in the year of the ox, this year may be a difficult year for you.

Flow

2009-01-21T23:31:00.000-08:00

The start of this semester has been something different. People are so much more reasonable than what I first remember. Even though events occurring daily are infuriating and a nuisance (taking care of rent, camera repair, selling back books and buying new ones...etc.), the overall experience of being back has been positive, even exciting for me. Things have begun to look up, the sun is shining (not at the moment as it's pouring outside), and all is good.

I can say that attitude really colors your experience of the world. But at the same time, that shouldn't be the only determining factor of how you choose to act. It's about the juggling act.

Obama is now President, the raging liberal inside has subsided, but the story doesn't end just yet.

Happy 21st Birthday Gloria! Gosh, I have to concur, that is old...

Random Fact of the Day: An ostrich eye is bigger than it's brain.

Hiatus Over

2009-01-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the bus today going to 99 Ranch, I finally had that crushing feeling of stress fall on my shoulders again. As the bus meandered through the streets, I was lulled into thinking about where I am again and what I'm doing here. All the things that were waiting for me this semester, the classes, the people, the things I will be a part of, everything just hit me. Maybe this is just anxiety for the start of school again. Oh well, no more time to regret. All I have is time to prepare...

Break is over and it's time to get working again.

Random Fact of the Day: Rubber Bands last longer when they are refrigerated.

Buttons

2009-01-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

So I continue on with my continually bored winter break...and those random moments where my head fills with strange thoughts...haha, maybe not that strange, but rather different perspectives to where I am in my world.

That word, perspectives - it truly makes the world go round because so many different people have different methods of defining themselves. The one thing that I have come to understand is that each perspective has its own logic, regardless of objectivity. Just as anyone can justify their actions with a set of reasons, morality becomes a slippery word to use. It really is just tiring to continually hear people, called experts, say they know for certain what is reality because I know for a fact now that their reality will definitely be different from mine. Unless we're intrinsically zombies or no-pun-intended "sheep", I don't see why it is necessary for us to conform to what we're "told". Probably the most popular reason why most people do is that it is easy, convenient to just go with the flow, but that just seems irresponsible and immature. We need to know why we believe or behave in certain ways, or what is the point of living. Understanding one's own perspective - that is probably the goal of life.

The natural extension of possessing perspectives is choice. Isn't that what life really is, a series of never-ending choices and decisions? The possibilities are unfathomable as we pass through time and change. I really don't believe that we can ever understand fully the extent of this realm of matters, which physicists have classified as the fifth dimension. It is only the present that we can hang on to and believe.

Watching the movie Benjamin Button gave me some great inspiration. Benjamin Button had his chance at life, but he lived it opposite to common experience. In some ways, he was robbed of the best times of childhood, adolescence, and even old age which came cruelly as a severe amnesic reversion to childhood, but he gained wisdom usually beyond his age early in his life: the transience of things, suspending judgment on others and discovering each person's uniqueness, value of self reliance and curiosity, taking risks and suffering the consequences by not running away, carpe diem, and the lastly, fate. It just seems like he was forced to face these things early in life, making his existence, however strange, significant.

Meaning exists because we make things meaningful.

Random Fact of the Day: F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote a short story titled "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button".

The Haunting

2009-01-05T22:06:00.000-08:00

I think what I said about religion aka Christianity has not finished, and as I feared, will not go away. Too many questions and too many uncertainties that I know will take the rest of my life to answer. I know I have no claim to make any comment on this subject and can only have my subjective thoughts to accompany me. But I know that there is a fundamental difference in how I was raised that is not inclusive of the Christian world view. The kinds of values that were instilled in me growing up do not point to the truth of Christian life or belief and that is where I stand today. Perhaps there will be changes in the future, but there ever are any, I will be the judge for myself.

This was an interesting debate I stumbled upon (no pun intended) that really brought me to this point. It is long, but hey, it is winter break for a lot of you...

Turek vs. Hitchens Debate: Does God Exist? from Andrew Ketchum on Vimeo.

Random Fact of the Day: The world was not created in a day. Literally.

Staring at the Wall

2009-01-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

I really nothing else to do this break except de-stress, and so far, I really do feel much more refreshed. However and quite strangely, I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was so entangled in some very distressing thoughts. Just trying to sift through all that thought vomit now is quite impossible...but I try. Maybe I'll have several entries to work this out...

One thing that I really feel should not remain as a focus of my life now is religion, more specifically Christianity. It really doesn't seem to make any sense to me that I devote so much of myself to this area right now. In fact, thinking back to all that time I spent pursuing the great unknown, I don't find myself any more compelled than at the start. Sure, I am very thankful for the friends I made through this avenue and the meaningful conversations we shared trying to make sense of everything, but that is something of itself that is a separate part of the process. The main thrust of the arguments that were presented to me, however, raised more questions than provided answers and what I thought I was seeking, real truth and authenticity, did not appear to spring from the experiences I had. I really think I need to repeat this, but I do not doubt what I had gone through and the "fellowship" I felt with other people, but in truth, doctrine did not convince me. The "mere Christianity", as C.S. Lewis put it, was unpersuasive to what I felt corresponded to the world I was in.

This sort of response comes not out of thin air I feel. Many times along the way, I often was told to just try it, try praying or try doing the things that marked the sign of a good Christian. But, when I was doing these things, there was always a voice in my head that would stop me and ask me, "What the heck are you doing? Do you actually believe this stuff?". The resounding answer I would get every time I would get back from a Church related outing would be No as I noticed, because what I had become accustomed to was the friendship part of going out with Church people, not the religion. I can trace back to last year, when I went on the two chruch retreats, there really was not that much spiritual connection, mostly emotional responses to what was going on around me. Whenever there was a praise band, it would be a time to clap along with the music. Whenever there was preaching, I would be diligent like those around me and I'd copy down good points the pastors made, regardless of whether or not I really believed in what they said. What they taught were quite valid and valuable by the highest moral standard, but the reason why they refered to the Bible so much put me off a bit. Why couldn't someone find out for themselves these moral codes of conduct or righteous ways to act without having to refer to the Bible? Are we that savage without an invisible, all power creator? What happens to those people that did not "evolve" with the Bible as their authority? I could look back at my own family background and culture and find much support for my feelings...Chinese philosophy worked quite well for so long in China even til now.

Where did all this insipiration come from? Haha, I just watched the documentary/movie "Religulous" by Bill Maher, one of those people I respect who are not afraid of offending people these days. In some ways, I took what he said about religion in stride because a lot of it was his own opinion, but at the same time, what he said made sense. It feels like I've returned to the place I started out college with, the belief that "what you bleieve is what you make of it" stance because there IS too much out there we don't know. What gives one the authority to dictate certainty? I don't even know...so how can you?

Too many questions to be asked...

Random Fact of the Day: The two most commonly sold items in grocery stores are breakfast cereals and soda.

Hermitage

2009-01-02T17:59:00.000-08:00

I actually wrote most of this a while ago...so I'll leave it as a parting thought for the end of the year...

12/26

The past week since I've been home have been completely secluded. I basically decided to cut myself off from the rest of the world for this week, not for some emo reason, but for some time to depressurize and recuperate. What am I am recovering from, I don't really know precisely, but I can mentally point to the past semester and say that I was worked quite past my capacity, so I'm treating this break as a time for myself...not that I didn't have that at Berkeley.

The other thing is that I've decided to turn off the feed from my blog to my facebook. It really hit me just now that such attempts at exposing myself really are futile. There is no point in trying so hard to get myself out there. People can be asses at times and that's just how the world works, no need to push the letter. It really is easy to fall for that neediness, as someone likes to call it, and sacrifice yourself, your dignity for a shred of recognition. It's just not worth it.

So back to this, I want to treat this break as a breather, like what I said before, and as a time to think too. This is metaphorically and hackneyed crossroads of my life and I do want to make the most of it. More thoughts soon...always soon...

Random Fact of the Day: "I am." and "I do." are the shortest complete sentences in the English language.

New Year!

2009-01-01T00:29:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone! There isn't too much to say here except that this is the conceptual new beginning that we all have. This is the time to make those resolutions and break those bad habits. Haha, of course it's all idealistic and sentiment, but we all need some of that, at least once a year.

Hope everyone can start their year on the right foot!

Random Fact of the Day: Obama takes office the same day school starts (Jan. 20)

Homebound

2008-12-20T18:26:00.001-08:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, but that's because the past couple days I've been enjoying myself in my room with my brother as company. I'll detail things much better when I am back home, but until then...

Room Rat

2008-12-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

Staying in my room the whole day didn't feel all that weird since it was storming and slightly hailing outside. I felt that much cosier too since I had the company of my brother for more than half the day. The stress of having my last final tomorrow had also been greatly reduced because the head GSI had sent out the final as a Christmas gift to us. Haha, I know if I say this, some people might hate me, but life is good.

Looking forward to a long rest after tomorrow...anyone want to join me?

Random Fact of the Day: An average person spends 2 years of his life on the phone.

Best Taste

2008-12-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

Amidst the busyness of finals, there is still some time to take a break. The only thing is that I needed to control how much I allow myself to relax. How far do I want to go and drop my responsibilities? The smart answer appears to be not so much yet. There is still work to be done.

Today was an interlude though to my finals schedule. With the majority of my finals done, I feel much more at ease with myself and how I'm doing with life in general. I love that Best Taste Restaurant in Oakland and definitely worth going back to. Wandering around there in Chinatown has been something that I haven't done in a while. Gosh, I really do miss breaks.

I think with my brother here, it's given me a whole other perspective to my life here. It's both unsettling in how similar we both are and inspiring. Haha, I have to say that my brother is an inspiration to me.

Random Fact of the Day: The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

From Panic to Peace

2008-12-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

Gosh, today was such a rush, but at the same time, thinking back to the waiting game before my final, today was actually quite slow. Such contradictions we face in life, and the uncertainty of things really gets confusing at times. But I think there is one thing I can stick to as time rolls on by, know where my priorities lie. By knowing that, I think I can continue to go on.

It does feel like I've gone through a few changes this semester. Having new feelings that I haven't had in a long time and new emotions, new range of thought, it's still all very curious for me to consciously discover. There is time later.

Ochem fried my brain and my brother came to stay with me for a week. What other surprises can there be now?

Random Fact of the Day: Limonene is the main aromatic chemical in citrus fruit that give it the particular smell.

Crunchy

2008-12-12T23:50:00.000-08:00

My head feels like a bowl of marbles at this point in time. Sometimes I can organize my thoughts by reaction and reactants, but sometimes, everything gets jumbled up again, forcing me to go back to square one and reorder everything all over. I really regret not starting earlier, but this is just something I have to learn the hard way now. Like what Sofia said in her "suicidal" entry, we need to stop procrastinating on things and just do. Do, and discipline that laziness inside of us.

Just one word left to say for tonight: fail.

On a brighter note: 2 done, 2 to go.

Random Fact of the Day: Tonight's moon is the roundest it will be this year since the moon will be at the perigee point in its orbit around the earth.

Officially

2008-12-11T23:42:00.000-08:00

I am feeling more and more screwed by the hour. I don't think I have anything down for sure and things look bleak as they are...gosh. I haven't felt this stressed or paralyzed before.

Not much to say, need more time to study...

Random (useless) Fact of the Day: Last day of finals is December 20.

Dusk

2008-12-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

I am the worst at the "going strong until the end" thing, and it really is at the end of things that one starts to have regrets and other reflective thoughts about things. I really don't know at this point what I should do, focus on those feelings to grasp at the past or bring myself back down to what I still need to do. It's so hard to do both well at the same time, but both are so essential to having closure about things. Haha...I'm not sure why this sounds so whiny and unthoughtful. Maybe it's just that there are so many things that I wish I could have done...

It does seems like most of my thoughts these days are always half baked...I need more inspiration, but at the same time, I'm usually really myopic about things. Arggg...such terrible tribulations.

Banquet was awesome today...thanks to everyone. Till next semester...

Random Fact of the Day: Lil Wayne's "Lollipop" sounds like Ludacris' "What is Your Fantasy"

Ding!

2008-12-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

This was our video for the Taiwanese decal I'm taking. I love the class because it's a kind of a break from the busy work of other classes. In other ways, it's a way to get back in touch with my roots as both my parents speak Taiwanese. Hey, I am technically a fob since I am a first generation immigrant to the US.

More time today was spent studying for finals. I finally feel like in the zone to do studying, but I'm just hoping that it's come fast enough. Had a really good time sleeping last night as I got my first ten hours of sleep. Hope it helps.

Found this to be quite interesting...a different kind of metaphor for life: http://www.oceancityfools.com/text/jar.htm

Random Fact of the Day: Han Wudi established the system of naming years with names in Chinese history.

Lotte Gum

2008-12-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this so early because I think the most important thing that happened to me today just happened. I had lunch with Eddie and the thing was, we had brought up Church and life in general again, which pulled me back to a perspective that I had forgotten about. All the rushing about with things to do: studying, APO, Classes, Misc errands all took up my time to really sit down and think. The break I needed was time to actually sit down again and reflect about my life and where I stand. Being too caught up in the present is inevitable, but what really matters is my down direction and goals. I think the lack of this time and the overwhelming stress that continuously builds up is exactly what's killing me.

I do love APO and the people in it now that I'm active, but things still need to come in a priority fashion.

Gosh, I really feel like all this typing is not helping me write better...I blame it on the lack of reflection time. Maybe I'll trying something different then for when I do blog...

Random Fact of the Day: The First Person of the Year in Time Magazine was Charles Lindbergh in 1927.

Repurcussions

2008-12-06T20:52:00.000-08:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

I don't know why things have turned out so seriously, but there are so many strange and difficult to explain consequences to the pledging process. There is still that sense of unfairness that lingers in the air, especially in our smallfam since recent events have not been kind on us. I think the main thing is that there were some personal things that got between, and perhaps it is for the better since it would have been much worse if things turned out differently. I don't know.

I need to get back to focusing on studies, but there are just too many things taking up my attention. What should I do? What should I do? It's only an echo that returns.

Random Fact of the Day: RFID chips are implanted in most of our money these days so that the government can track how money flows in the economy. Don't believe me? Microwave your 20 dollar bills and see them burn...like this http://www.prisonplanet.com/022904rfidtagsexplode.html

Activation

2008-12-05T23:51:00.000-08:00

Crossing feels good, but it has also been a downcast celebration. Two of my co-sibs didn't cross and that just seems that much more unfair that so many of us did. They deserve recognition for their work and their efforts. They will always be my fellow pledge brothers during the fall semester of my sophomore year. So back to crossing, I do feel though that I had just been given the pass to enter a group of closely bounded fellows, a group of people that I can find myself always accepted and welcomed. The question now is how I make of it. I really do want to do my best to serve the fraternity and my community that much more. Giving it my all doesn't seem all that daunting anymore.

That is the power of commitment.

Random Fact of the Day: Alpha Phi Omega was founded in 1925.

Sea Over the Sky

2008-12-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

That dullness of the mind when it is refusing to be challenged, when it refuses to engage, when it has given it all and sees no end to it's stress.

How does one find oneself in college, that's apparently a really popular question to ask as I've seen in so many other blogs. I guess we've all bought into the idea that college is a time of self discovery and growth, but at the same time, how does one go about that? Is it just finishing the work we're given? That's already happened in high school. So how is it any different? Does it have to do with attitude? Is it finally meeting failure face to face and punching it in the face? Is it taking responsibility? That just seems too simple. So many things to balance and complete, like a giant jigsaw puzzle with infinity pieces and finding where they fit together. No doubt there is some joy in doing that, but isn't there a point that things just get too tiring? Where's the motivation now? Is life just trying to find the next motivator?

Haha, I've noticed that I ask a lot of question when under stress. Better to deal with these questions now than later I guess. And yes, I'm trying not to sound too emo because there are better sides of me everyday.

Hey, I crossed today, that's something to celebrate about. Have to see what happens tomorrow.

Random Fact of the Day: Ayumi Hamasaki is Japan's "Queen of Pop".

Everquest

2008-12-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

How is it that there are some people that can always take the easy way out of any situation? Is it a kind of skill or are they just naturally gifted? What really defines a genius? Is it really how the saying goes, "success is 99% hard work and 1% luck"?

Maybe I'm just tired and delirious from all the stress and the upcoming stresses of next week. Have to start studying now for my finals, three of them in the comming week. Damn.

Random Fact of the Day: Women blink twice as much as men do.

Monosaturated

2008-12-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

There has been one thing I've been noticing this semester that has been really bothering me. More and more, I find myself detaching from life in the most strange of ways. Sometimes, I have to pause for a bit and think about what I'm really doing. Gosh, I how did I become so scatterbrained? Whoosh...

Pledge test was hard and long, much anticipated but not to a kind of satisfaction for taking it. Now back to real studying...

Random Fact of the Day: The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes...really?

Burning 100X

2008-12-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

As the pledging semester comes to a close, I find myself feeling much more prepared for what is yet to come. I really just realized today that there is only a week and a half of official school left before finals season and I don't think I'll be ready in that time. There seems to be so much to do and understand in so short an amount of time that I don't know if I can do it.

Just today, 24 hours before the pledge test, I had an intensive cramming session at Ken's place. Thanks to the bigs that came and helped us out, in whatever way they could, whether it was mentally by providing a source of distraction or physically by bringing food. I believe that the study session went pretty well, but things will yet to be seen tomorrow.

Random Fact of the Day: George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton were members of Alpha Phi Omega.

Cien

2008-11-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

I guess another milestone has been set now that I've officially written up 100 entries on my blog. Yay! I'll celebrate whatever there is to celebrate about. I know there will be some people out there that would scoff at this, but personally, it's something I can be happy about.

So now that I am back in Berkeley, I've realized it's time to get back to work. There are still a hundred more things left for me to do before I am allowed to leave for home once more, and those challenges that await are far more difficult. Finals and the dreaded pledge test are huge obstacles in my week this week and I know I'll be staying up much later every day of the week now. I have to learn how to manage my time better.

Sigh...so much to do. December should be tons of fun...

Random Fact of the Day: Neanderthals had bigger brains than Homo sapiens.

Chauffeur

2008-11-28T23:08:00.000-08:00

I was hoping that my break would be a nice and peaceful one, where I could catch up on some sleep and get some work done under the least stressful conditions, but how naive I was. Having guests over, my favorite family friends of course, are quite a handful as they've always been. I basically spent the entire day as their driver and tour guide, showing them the sights of Long Beach and the Aquarium of the Pacific. I took their camera, since mine was broken, and took pictures for them of the tanks and touch pools. Gosh, I even told them to go pose at with the fishes and sea lions so that they would have some good pictures to take back with them. But, I didn't do these things out of spite or annoyance even, I was really enjoying myself. Such a relief from the constant worries of upcoming things: pledge test, more studying to be done (which I haven't started yet), and finals, yet things are not over yet. The last stretch will come soon and I better prep myself up for that...so better to use every moment that I am home to rest up. Better to enjoy oneself than to stress anymore than I need to.

Need sleep...thought I'd be getting more of that now that I am home...

Random Fact of the Day: Sea anemones (try saying that three times fast) only have one orifice on their bodies for both ingestion of food and excretion of wastes.

Counting Blessings

2008-11-28T01:52:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving really is a time of reflection and rejoicing in the blessing we have in life. Just the very fact that we are even breathing and sharing the earth with so many other living creatures is a miraculous fact that I believe we need to acknowledge. Then, there are the family and friends that come next who are there to give support and nurture us in the most difficult and testing times. Without these relations, nothing would be possible in life, seriously. And perhaps, lastly, the opportunities and circumstances we find ourselves in at the present moment, for any change in luck, in happenstance, in attitudes, and we can lose everything. What we hold dear to our hearts should be reviewed and refined to greater detail because specificity is what makes us really understand and relate to what's happening in our lives.

Being back home has given me so much relief that I really surprised me. I feel that much closer to my parents and my brother who appears to have changed just as much as I did in the short three months were were apart. I really feel blessed to be home.

Call me in the few days...

Random Fact of the Day: Felix the Cat was the first balloon to debut in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back in 1927.

Homebound

2008-11-27T00:35:00.000-08:00

The interesting thing about today was that I felt I was partly at home. Running around Berkeley at night with Andrew was quite refreshing after being cooped up all day. The rain had washed the streets quite cleanly, but the sadly, the homeless were definitely more active tonight, perhaps excited that they basically have the neighborhood around campus all to themselves for a few days. Can't blame them for feeling that way since most of the time, they're ignored and pushed to the sides of the streets. I was walking with Andrew down telegraph, trying to decide what to eat when we saw Ann's Kitchen full of lots of people. A closer look revealed that most of the people inside were those homeless people we saw walking around. This put me off slightly, but I did feel better about the predicament of those poor souls. They really have nowhere to get help, but at the same time, you can't help but blame them for their own troubles. Especially for us privileged Berkeley students who probably come from very well off backgrounds, it's harder to relate to those who don't have the same opportunities as we do. But that's the point I guess, for us future middle class to rich strata people to understand and sympathize better with those not as fortunate.

I am so ready to go home now...

Random Fact of the Day: Beethoven's 6th symphony is known as his "Pastoral" symphony.

The Pressing

2008-11-25T11:28:00.000-08:00

I know for the past few days, I haven't been consistent in my posting. But with the gray skies outside and the falling rain, it has gotten me inspired to pour some of my thoughts out again. I guess I had prematurely ejected myself from Berkeley this time around and from that, I see my world falling apart around me. First, this annoying cough is not helping and my croaking voice really sounds like I'm going to kick the bucket. Second, the same stresses that I've been dealing with have not gone away mainly because I've chosen to ignore them. Such is the basis of living, huh. It doesn't end until it really ends. Third, hermitage is far too easy to get into when: you live alone, you live at least two blocks from everyone else you know, you can't motivate yourself to get out of your room. I'm not talking about my prison cell spring semester, but things are similar in the sense that I find myself wanting to escape in this enclosing of myself. Gosh, I really need to find some support.

I guess my question is: how can one truly detach oneself from life? How is that even possible?

Not looking for a religious explanation yet, Difan...

And how true is this?

Random Fact of the Day: You're fined $75 for canceling or changing a flight on Virgin America, even if your flight was less than $60.

Detach Now

2008-11-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

Like I had said before in my other entries, I am just on autopilot for now and I have five good reasons why
1. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in a long while because I've been so busy with APO and school stuff.
2. I've had a really irregular eating schedule because I'm doing so much and there is so much stress on me to finish everything well.
3. I have no more serious hw to do before I go back home for Thanksgiving break.
4. Pledge test is coming up and the requirement stuff are due soon.
5. I am so ready to go home.

Cooking for the bigs was fun...love you guys!

Random Fact of the Day: Cookie dough is mostly made out of butter and flour.

Dull Red

2008-11-22T23:05:00.000-08:00

I have been the most disinterested person for the past few days. Don't even know why I've continued writing despite the fatigue, mental and physical.

Bright note today, Cal beat Stanfurd 37-16....sad.

Must continue working on stuff for the bigs...hope they appreciate it. It means a lot to us if they like it.

So now I know what they mean to join a frat.
Random Fact of the Day: Lateral passes are allowed in football.

Now What?

2008-11-21T23:14:00.000-08:00

Today felt like another block in the road, but I was able to get through this week. Things had culminated to a breaking point when I had to stay up last night to finish my essays, but now that things have boiled over, I am emancipated for this weekend now. Gosh, the days don't pass past enough now. I want to be home and get away from things now.

There is only one more thing standing between me and home. APO has become the all consuming thing that I'll have to devote myself to for the rest of the days. It's less of a burden than school I think, but things are definitely just as stressful. I have come to realize this mantra about life though, you can't live with stress, but you can't live without stress either.

Thanks to everyone that made the CCM concert a success. Hopefully things will go the same way now.

Yummy Hot Pot tonight, just that I broke my camera in the process....damn

Random Fact of the Day: Odontophobia is the fear of teeth.

By Request

2008-11-20T23:38:00.000-08:00

Two sentences: blah blah. I'm tired.

Anything else? So ready to go home now. Have to finish up my two papers due tomorrow. Here for a long and drawn out night.

Random Fact of the Day: Chikusho (ちくしょ) means "damn it" in Japanese.

Can't Talk

2008-11-19T22:54:00.000-08:00

I really am getting down to the wire, so I can't say too much today, though most of it was just the same old rushing around, trying to get to each place in my schedule. I need to focus now.

Random Fact of the Day: Sex trafficking in the Philippines is a serious social issue there.

Balancing Game

2008-11-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

I particularly like this metaphor for life because I always find myself coming back to it in the end, through all the stressful times and the good times as well. There will always be drama in life, it's just a given, so what do we do about it? Sure, it's easy to fall into a state of stupor and pretend to ignore things, but that's too easy. I think the mature way to go about dealing with these stressors is to face them head on and maintain focus on what you want to achieve. Not losing sight of where you're going is important, but figuring out where you want to go is priority.

I feel like I'm babbling here again, but I just wanted to acknowledge how pledging for APO has shifted my own perspective on social life. The frat is not flawless as all things are in life, but it is with these experiences I have come to learn more about myself and how people interact with one another in this sort of setting. Exclusivity and cliquishness will always be problems, but at least I feel that my own tendencies of trying to form or join my own clique has been at least tempered. This goes similarly with church as well since it's essential message is an inclusion of every person. The liminality that these organizations provides an arena for personalization, but at the same time, it does teach one to reach out as well, get out of one's own comfort zone. We call ourselves brothers, not just as titles, but for a reason, and I feel that to really embody that brotherhood, it does take effort on the part of every person. That is something I think I've gotten a better understanding of since I know that I am so uncomfortable in large settings. I tend to cling, and that fear is something I have to deal with. So with that, I do feel like I've gotten many lessons from my pledging semester so far, even though I know that I would be very pissed if I did not cross. Haha, that's not up to me though so I've decided not to consciously stress about that.

Being stuck in Dwinelle from 7-12 today was not fun. Damn elections...

Busy busy busy....

Random Fact of the Day: Even at imperceptible levels, alcohol still impairs psychomotor skills even hours after consumption.

Animé

2008-11-17T22:30:00.000-08:00

When you find yourself counting the minutes and seconds in an hour, you know that you're busy as heck with things to do. There is no time to think, just do. That's how this week will be and I know that I will die somewhere in those the hours and minutes sometime. But I can only push on. There are no choruses of mourners for my passing nor crutches for me to lean on. This is with my own demons and my own failings.

I really needs to get back to work. Time to tough it out.

Random Fact of the Day: The Ainu people of Japan are discriminated against in Japanese society for being less 'civilized'.

Night Under the Stars

2008-11-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

Going on the campout with APO people is definitely a different experience. I felt the once familiar feeling of a ruggedness, a nostalgic return-to-nature feel that I had since those road trips in my childhood. Everything was so reminiscent of that past I had forgotten that everything that did happen brought me a simple kind of joy that I didn't think I could return to. So even though I am dead tired from this weekend's festivities and completely swamped with things to do again, I am greatly content and excited to see what will happen next in what's left of my 1st semester sophomore experience. I'm really going to miss this time in my life, and I know it for sure.

What happens at campout stays at campout.

I need some sleep, but work will keep me up this whole week. I know it.

Random Fact of the Day: Sound travels 4 times faster through water than in air.

Symphony

2008-11-14T23:17:00.000-08:00

I think the dopamine molecules are still jiggling around in my brain as I am writing this entry. It's been a couple hours since I've been to the SF Symphony, but the music is still ringing in my ears. I am just overwhelmed by the amazingness of music I heard tonight. I really was on that verge of bursting into tears as I listened to the Pastoral Symphony by Beethoven was meticulously strung out by the orchestra. I was taken so far back into a nostalgic time, when I was still small and carefree. I remember the family vacations I use to take, where I'd be sitting in my family car, looking outside at the vast expanses of California hills and brush and stare for hours on end, just so that we could go have a few days alone together as a family in some National Park. So exciting, yet so familiar were the sights and sounds, the corralled horses in the pastures, the lonely towns with one gas station, the endless fields of citrus trees and grapevines, all of which I could recall sitting in an particularly uncomfortable seat at the SF Concerthall. Just being there and listening to the music conjure up those images brought me back home, the place I came from and the place my family was, and the memories of being a family again. I couldn't help it and felt those tears well up in my eyes. I really do miss home, but I got a taste of it here in SF. That was just amazing.

Too many things I did today, but nothing beats tonight. Haha, Andrew and I nerded out on classical music after we came back because it was that good. He was hooked too. I introduced him to some new songs, and stayed quite late to share in our mutual nerdiness. Sigh, this is what college should be for.

Random Fact of the Day: The SF City Hall is decored with blue lighting at night.

Pica Bits

2008-11-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

So I did clean my room today and I've been feeling much better. The only thing that I think is missing is to vacuum. Sigh, I do have one that I got as a consolation freebie when I got my sofa, but after only two usages, it basically broke and won't even such in a piece of hair. I'll have to find the apartment management and borrow their vacuum. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in my pigsty room for another month or so.

Gosh, I just realized that there's only a month left in this semester. It's so easy to always look forward, but to look back and realize how far one's gone is much more challenging psychologically since it can cause some serious vertigo in some people. But this where most people stop and refuse to look down, thinking that there might be a curse of some sort. I think that's just self repressive. Life needs to be about self discovery, or else, what's the point?

Again, my days are filled with things to do. A failed attempt at getting signatures and snooping around was perhaps the highlight as I saw my fellow brothers outside of their normal environ. Oh, and the more important thing, I had a good talk with someone I was having some trouble with. Turns out, he was too shallow to even understand what he was thinking or what I was thinking. Gosh, maybe shallow isn't the right word to use, maybe simpleton might be better but without any of the negative connotations. Life cna be simple too and that's what makes it both beautiful and frustrating. I'm just glad now that some of this misunderstanding has faded. Moving on...

Random Fact of the Day: Bear Market sells bread.